While on the subject...a little birdie pointed out this old thread from Tango-L...
Let's face it, tango is not cheap. During the first three years for me, I would guess (I'm afraid to actually run the numbers) I spent $15,000 to $20,000 on workshops, festivals, travel, hotels. It probably cost me more in indirect cost impacts - focusing on my tango addiction more than other areas of my life.
So, tango newbies (and others who still take workshops) should be able to get the most bang for their buck. I always approached workshops a little differently. I always said to myself, "Self, if you end up with only one item, one piece of vocabulary, one tango product, then it was worth the $100 or so you paid..." Now, I can't afford that mindset. A full festival pass, hotel, travel, meals, vino tinto, could easily run $600-800 even if you are bare-bonesing it.
So, bang for the buck - maximizing your tango learning (and retention) for your dollars expended. Learning "proper" technique. Learning fundamentals, the subtle nuances of lead and follow. Being taught (but perhaps never learning) codigos and floorcraft. In my experience, it's surprising (no, not really) that there are so many leaders with really piss-poor technique and no desire to improve. Many are dancing the Basic-8 over and over. I would rather learn less "stuff" and gain more fundamental truth from a nice, friendly couple, than have tons of elaborate figures thrown at me by arrogant, self-aggrandizing teachers who think they are hot shit tango demi-gods.
Anyway, this all came up out of the blue. The recent thread on Tango-L made me start thinking about it - and you all know how I think too much. Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut and leave well enough alone. After all, it's not like people are being harmed or somehow damaged by bad teachers teaching bad tango. Or are they?
IMPORTANT NOTE!!! Luckily, there aren't that many of these tango carpetbaggers out there...the vast majority of tango teachers are careful, conscious, diligent, knowledgeable, curious, genuine, all-around good people. Also, the vast majority of festival and workshop organizers are only going to bring in the tried and true teachers for their events - they have done the due diligence for us end users.
Here's the thread...from 2003...from someone named "TangoGuy"
Sham or incompetent teachers
One needs to be suspicious of any teacher who exhibits any of the following. However, one needs to look at and think deeply about the overall picture and not rush to judgment. After all, it isn't fair to incorrectly evaluate a legitimate, good and dedicated teacher. And one may be passing up a very fine learning opportunity.
This list won't help the poor hapless vulnerable and total beginner because in all likelihood, he wouldn't have had the opportunity to have read it. But one can warn and guide any beginners one may encounter. Also, one can give the beginner a copy of this list.
Teachers can view this list as a way of checking themselves. They shouldn't construe any part of what I say as meaning they are necessarily sham or incompetent teachers. However, if any part applies to them, they need to take it as a helpful hint. It's the responsibility of every teacher to improve both their dancing and their teaching skills. Doing so improves ones service to their students and to the wider Tango community.
Obviously, most truly sham teachers are going to continue shamming. I just hope some will have a pang of conscience that will lead them to change their ways.
I have attempted to create an exhaustive list but if I have left anything out, please let me know. All helpful comments and critiques are welcome and requests for clarifications will be honored.
1)Money seems to be a teacher's paramount concern. It's certainly ok for a teacher to make money but it shouldn't be his chief concern. Their chief concern needs to be the welfare of their students and the wider Tango community. It becomes a concern to other Tango dancers when they end-up dancing with a poorly trained person. Beginners are one thing; poorly trained dancers are another.
Alex here...I disagree with this...for full-time professional teachers, this is how they put bread on the table...not being concerned about paying your bills from month to month would be difficult/impossible for any of us to do.
2)A teacher doesn't concentrate on basics with a beginner. As a student advances, he will often need to be reminded or helped from time to time with relevant basics. A teacher needs to be willing to do this regardless of the class level. I have already mentioned elsewhere in this posting a type of class structure that will accommodate this.
3)A teacher is unwilling to correct a student. The teacher may be afraid to lose a student due to too many needed corrections.
4)A teacher teaches a beginner figures other than Salidas, Crosses and Ochos. These figures are used as a way to convey basics to a student so it may be possible to use additional figures to convey needed basics.
5)A teacher who teaches a lot of flashy, fancy and/or sexy figures is probably attempting to hook or keep students. Latter on as a dancer becomes more advanced, such figures are a lot of fun.
6)The teacher doesn't dance well or is not smooth or doesn't dance elegantly or doesn't give a lady time to complete a figure or doesn't insert strategic pauses to give a lady time to do adornments.
7)A teacher doesn't seem to have sufficient dedication to Tango. A truly dedicated teacher has enough interest in Tango to go beyond the actual dance itself. Almost everything about Tango needs to be of interest to the teacher. Things such as the music, Tango personalities, Tango history, etc. A teacher can convey such info to the student in bits and snippets.
8)A teacher needs to tell students (even beginners) about Tango-L, Tango-A and other Tango related websites. He should have bibliographies of books, videos and CD's (or at least he can refer students to sources or others who have)
9)A teacher doesn't name techniques, figures and steps that are being taught. (Terms and names are best given in Spanish because a foreign language is freer of the non-tango related connotations and associations then ones own native language has.)
If a teacher doesn't know the names of what he is teaching, one needs to wonder how much the teacher actually knows.
If a teacher knows but won't give names of what he is teaching, the teacher is probably attempting to control how rapidly a student is learning with the intent of keeping the student in the teacher's classes as long as possible.
If a student doesn't have a name for something, it is difficult for him to think about. One needs a language and its words to think about anything. Not being able to think about something is a severe handicap to learning. This is called illiteracy.
Words gives a student the ability to discuss a technique, figure or step in as few words a possible. A word conveys a complex sets of ideas efficiently. Discussions with others helps a student to understand and learn a new technique, figure or step better.
A student can use the words to record efficient notes.
10)A teacher doesn't convey any sort of mental structure to the student. A structure is a way a student can think about Tango and its techniques, movements, steps and figures. A good structure aids the student in his quest toward tango. A teacher needs to structure the class and what he teaches along the lines of the mental structure he is attempting to convey.
Because Tango is essentially an improvisational dance, it doesn't have structure in the same way as Ballroom. The mental structure is only mental and is not applied to the actual dance itself. The intent of a structure is to help a student to think and learn in as clear and efficient manner as possible.
A beginner often depends on the mental structure as a sort of a crutch. As the beginner progresses, the need for the crutch gradually drops away. Later on, the mental structure can be used as a way a student can analyze and choreograph their own figures.
An integral part of any mental structure are words and names of things. Much of what I have already said in regards to words and names also applies to mental structures.
A mental structure relates techniques, movements, steps and figures according to their similarities, differences and according to ease of learning. Easy simple things, that may be found as part of more complex and harder figures, are taught early. When the more complex and harder figures are taught, the student will find them easier to learn because much of it has already been learned.
Any structure a teacher develops can be conveyed in a gradual fashion and not all at once.
11)A teacher doesn't encourage note taking.
12)A student remains in the class without much improvement while the teacher attempts to convince him he is improving. A student can measure their own progress at practicas and milongas and the response of other dancers with whom they dance. A dancer can test their lead/follow abilities by dancing with people less advanced then himself such as beginners.
13)A lot of what is being taught is not being retained by a student.
Exception: In the case of a student being in a class over their head, it would be the responsibility of the teacher to direct the student to a class and teacher that can better help the student.
Another thing the teacher can do is to structure the class so that each student is learning at their own particular level. Students at about the same level can be taught as a subgroup within the class. With this method, a single class can accommodate students of several different levels at the same time. The class can be on-going without beginning or end. Teachers can accept new students at any time without regard to the student's dance ability. To make such a structure work, the teacher needs to be willing to give each student more one-on-one attention. Sort of like giving private lessons in a group setting.
14)A teacher seems to make a lot of mistakes either in what he is teaching or how he is teaching.
15)A teacher seems make a lot of excuses for shortcomings.
16)A teacher seems to have more explanation than results.
17)A teacher seems to be defensive with questions whose answers may reveal the incompetence or fraud.
18)A teacher deliberately teaches incorrectly with the intent of handicapping the student. A sham teacher wants to keep the student dependent on the teacher so he continues with the teacher. I think this is the worst kind of teacher and I hope it is rare even among sham teachers.
19)A teacher deliberately withholds information from the student with the intent of either handicapping the student or in an attempt to keep the student from finding out the teachers fraudulence.
20)Any uncivility or discourtesy on the part of the teacher. This includes snapping at a student or any impatience. A teacher needs to be a paragon of patience.
21)A teacher who is unwilling to repeat or review prior material as often as is needed. I have already mentioned elsewhere in this posting a type of class structure that will accommodate this.
Showing posts with label "Bad Tango". Show all posts
Showing posts with label "Bad Tango". Show all posts
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Some really nasty tango...
Here's some nasty shit-for-tango that will leave a bad taste in your mouth...
Sorry, but I'm in one of my moods...
Signed,
The Last Milonguero
Sorry, but I'm in one of my moods...
Signed,
The Last Milonguero
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
The Today Show :: More bad press for tango
Not bad press per se, but good press for bad tango. Brought to our attention by Steve Brown of Dallas on Tango-L. This clip is from the Today Show segment "Where in the world is Matt Lauer" - shot just under the Obelisk on Avenida Nuevo de Julio in Buenos Aires.
Is even bad press good press? Is even national media exposure showing bad stage/performance/pro tango a bad thing? Sensational press driving/striving for higher ratings uses and abuses sensational tango.
The misrepresentations, and misconceptions, continue.
See for yourself. Let me know what you think.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/24350515#24350515
Is even bad press good press? Is even national media exposure showing bad stage/performance/pro tango a bad thing? Sensational press driving/striving for higher ratings uses and abuses sensational tango.
The misrepresentations, and misconceptions, continue.
See for yourself. Let me know what you think.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/24350515#24350515
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Followers, "You make me want to be a better man..." or "Do you hear that great big sucking noise?" or "Is that a banana in your pocket...?"
... or "Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"
January 9
Originally uploaded by carmen|farrell
The photo should make sense, obtusely, later in the post...
Debbi's most recent post "Feedback vs. Backoff" and Johanna's related post "A Quandry" about a hack/teacher got me to thinking about a prior post of mine - actually I think I have posted it twice now.
It has become my "holy grail" of tango etiquette - "The Do's and Don'ts of Inviting" by Ney Melo.
You will find this (and more) under his Section #6 - The Tanda:
"I truly believe that when women start using their power of declining dances and sending messages, then that is when the leaders will start working to improve their dance. It has to be a system of checks and balances. If we allow mediocre leaders to dance with amazing followers and vice versa, then why would they want to get better?"
This is huge. It works. It worked on me in the early months. It made me want to BE better, to be a better leader, "to be a better man".
I think the organizers of practicas need to make an announcement in the beginning, and then again at a middle/break/announcement point - about proper feedback, and that a practica is all about feedback, and that it is not just about practicing tango, but also about the practice of giving and receiving positive, healthy feedback. Healthy for the individual, the two individuals involved, and the tango community at large. Maybe there should even be a "feedback moment" at all practicas- where the organizer says - "Okay, the next tanda is a feedback tanda - constructive suggestions only!".
Come on people! We are all adults here. Frankly, I'm tired of all the bandying about and beating around the bush and walking on eggshells. Let's communicate! Communication is key. Communication is king!
Come on! Give it to me! I can take it. Help me help myself! Help me help you. Help me, help you. I want to be a better leader. I want to be a better man.
I was really pissed, mostly at myself, but also that no one in my community, not even my teacher, would tell me that my walk sucked in a big way. "Do you hear that great big sucking noise? That's Alex's walk!" (In the words of Ross Perot...) After an EFFING YEAR! A year! Luckily, I realized it on my own and started to take the appropriate steps (pun intended) to fix it.
Debbi's issue might be corrected simply by some appropriate announcements by the practica organizer.
Johanna's issue is a little more delicate, but I think the guy needs to be approached by someone - another male in the community perhaps - probably not another teacher - a community organizer/leader - maybe a friend of the guy - stick a note in his shoe - something - anything - just not silence. I think the guy should be able to take some constructive criticism. Plus, the fact that he is a teacher makes it that much more important to deal with. A community does not need a teacher who is a bad leader teaching new leaders. Or leading new followers for that matter.
Better to not dance at all, versus dancing with a bad leader??? Just say no!
I would like to believe that we are all open to constructive criticism. Just don't take anything personally. Don't take it as a personal attack. Accept it, assimilate it, roll with it, deal with it. It may or may not be accurate feedback, but it came up, and it was given in the spirit of love and caring. If we don't give a shit about someone, do we ever tell them anything? (uh-oh...I just realized something...)
What about the guy I know who got "thank you'd" (by three different women) at the end of each song of a tanda at a festival. At a FESTIVAL no less! Shot down after the first song. Strafed after the second song. Napalm'd after the third song. One right after the other - boom, boom, boom. The guy didn't get it. The women (saying yes) didn't get it.
This guy is not even dancing tango. He dances some bastardized deviant variant form of it. It used to piss me off so much that I wanted to go tell him to his face that the women were all complaining, and that they (we) would like for him to please learn how to dance tango. To ever-so-gently point out that he was not dancing tango. But they always said "No, don't. It will hurt his feelings. The community is too small." Little did they know that I already knew I was going to be leaving the community, and didn't really care. But I never did say anything. I suppose he is still there, having the time of his life, oblivious, dancing his deviant variant. The aggravating thing was that the women were all complaining, but they were all still dancing with him. Still saying yes.
The worst part, in his deviant variant dance, was/is his pelvic lead. I should really call it his pelvic "thrusting" lead. The guy danced like a horny dachshund. It became sad to watch.
And the kicker is that this guy has been dancing for five years or more. Taking classes and workshops like the rest of us. Alongside the rest of us, but never getting it...never improving. He takes the information from the class, filters it through his pelvis, molds and adapts it into his deviant variant dance, and then it comes out, er, it comes out through his pelvis.
Perhaps this is harsh, but my feeling (at the time) was if his feelings got hurt and he left tango forever, then so be it. This guy had a habit of showing up to new beginner classes and dancing with the newbie followers. My position was this this guy was singlehandedly driving new followers from the community. They had to be thinking - "If this is what tango feels like, if this is the type of man I will be dancing tango with here, then I'm not coming back to this..." or something along those lines.
Ultimately I told the followers (who were complaining) that if they would not let me say something, and if they were not going to say anything, then they should stop their complaining and dance happily with him. Basically, they all converted, en masse, to open embrace with the guy. Thereby thwarting his pelvic/thrusting/humping lead. They danced milonguero with everyone but him. Perhaps he got the message after all.
I did my part as a member of the community and started showing up at the beginner classes to dance with the newbies, too, to offset the damage being done by this guy. (And to help - to be the teacher's "assistant".) It got to the almost comical point of the teacher sidling up to me, nondescriptlike, pointing someone out and whispering to me, hushed, "Go dance with her, she's been dancing with Mr. XXX too much, you need to go purify her". After dancing with these noviates, they would almost invariably say, appreciatively, "Ahhhh, so thhaaat's what it's supposed to feel like...", like the light bulb was lighting up over their head.
But then I left the community. I'm sure Mr. XXX is still doing his "thing". And still getting all the dances he wants.
My point is someone within the community should be able to say something to these people - something constructive, polite, kind, gentle - but to the point. Perhaps not in the heat of moment. Perhaps in an anonymous letter of cut and paste magazine letters - ransom letter style. What about the person with chronic bad breath? What about the person with chronic B.O.? What about the horse wrangler who comes to class right off the ranch, without showering? What about the touchy/feely pelvic leading lech? What about the guy making inappropriate and failed "romantic" (perverse) whisperings into follower's ears? What about the guy dancing with the banana in is pocket? What about the full blown pervert who has taken up tango with his only goal being to get laid?
Okay, so once again, I see that I have digressed "off point" - veering off of the "just say no" topic, to more overarching community-wide issues.
God, apparently I had some pent up shit to say on this subject...
'nuff said...
Here's Ney's article in its entirety...focus on Part 6...for this post...
Tango Etiquette - The Do's and Don'ts of Inviting :: by Ney Melo :: 07/24/2006
I have been thinking about writing this article for a long time, after having experienced many humorous and not-so-humorous episodes at the milonga. Many of us get caught up in learning the steps of the tango and then we get to the milonga and we don't know that there are certain unwritten rules about inviting and accepting or declining dances. While the 'cabeceo' - or inviting people to dance with eye contact and a nod - is alive and well in Buenos Aires, we live in North America and as such our customs have to adapt. (It would be great if the cabeceo were used here because it empowers both men and especially women to dance with the partners they most want to dance with. But the thing is, the cabeceo only works when everyone does it.) Therefore, I've put together a list of "rules" that, if somewhat adhered to, will make the milonga enjoyable for men and ladies alike.
1] THE RULE OF THE "FIRST AND LAST"
The first and last tango of the milonga experience have a significant meaning in the mind of a milonguero/a. Ideally, you'd want to start off on the right foot; you'd want to begin dancing with a capable and smooth partner in order to prepare for the long night of dancing that lies ahead.
But just as a good partner will raise you to the next level, a horrible partner will knock you down a few notches. The saying among milongueros is that it takes two good partners in a row to knock out the effects of one bad one. Therefore, be careful about who you accept or invite as your first partner. The last tanda (a set of tangos) also has a significance. In Buenos Aires, it is said that you usually dance the last tanda with your lover or a potential lover. I take a more casual approach to this rule and I think that one should dance that last tanda with their significant other unless agreed otherwise. If you are single, then it's open game whom to dance with. However if you are dancing with someone whom you know has a significant other at the milonga, and the last tanda is announced, it is a nice courtesy to ask them if they need to go dance with that other person.
2] NO BABYSITTING
Typical scenario: a lady is sitting down at a milonga and is approached by a gentleman who then invites her to dance. Rather than reject him outright, she says 'no, not right now', that she is tired, taking a break, waiting for a friend, etc. Instead of walking away, the guy decides to SIT DOWN BESIDE HER and wait for her to be ready to dance with him! This man has just committed what I call "babysitting". I have seen both ladies and gentlemen commit this fiendish act. When someone says no, it means that you should stay away from him/her for a certain period of time. This leads me to the next rule.
3] THE DURATION OF "NO"
After discussing this with many milongueros and milongueras, I've come to the following onclusion. No means "No for a Little While". If you have been rejected, you cannot invite the same person to dance again at the beginning of the next tanda! Only after 2, 5, maybe more tandas later can you consider asking that person to dance again. Don't be a Stalker. Often times the person who rejected you may even track you down to claim that dance later on when they are ready -- that is if they were truly tired in the first place.
4] THE PENALTY BOX
Rejecting someone does bring a consequence along with it. This is the rule that if you reject someone for a tango, you cannot dance that same tango with someone better who comes along. You have to, at least, wait for the next song or preferably for the next tanda. You can think of those minutes of waiting time as being in hockey's "penalty box". Sometimes this is a double-edged sword because let's say you are in the "penalty box" but then a really amazing dancer who never asks you to dance finally asks you. You know that if you turn them down then you may never get your chance again, but if you say yes you will look like a jerk in the eyes of the first person that asked you (and then THEY may cease asking)! Sometimes you just can't win!
5] CUTTING IN
I've seen old black and white movies where a Clark Gable or an Errol Flynn type will cut in between the beautiful, young starlet of the movie and her lame-duck partner who audiences forget about seconds later. Well, that only happens in the movies. I'm pretty sure that "Cutting in" is banned in all milongas in all the countries in the world. Back when I was a beginner, I once had someone kindly ask me if they could "cut-in". I kindly cursed them and their family in my mind. That's how serious it is! Invitations to dance happen during the cortinas (the minute of ambient music that is played between the tandas) not when 2 people are standing and talking between the songs in a tanda. PERIOD.
6] THE TANDA
A DJ will usually play 3 or 4 songs of the same orchestra or style followed by a one minute cortina. This "set" is called a tanda. It is only when we want to stop dancing with our partner that we say "thank you". Do not make the mistake of saying "thank you" after every tango. Try to wait until the end of the tanda. If we do not wait until the end, then we are conveying a message. Here is a quick breakdown of the "messages":
We danced 4 songs: That was nice/ I enjoyed it/ Let's do it again in the near future, etc. etc.
We danced 3 songs: It was ok/ Sorry, my feet hurt/ Yikes! My ride home is leaving, gotta go!
We danced 2 songs: I've humored you long enough/ You need to take more lessons/ I thought the first bad tango was my fault, but now I see that its your fault.
We danced 1 song: It's just not happening/ Maybe you should just sit and watch for a while/ Please don't ask me to dance at this milonga again.
I truly believe that when women start using their power of declining dances and sending messages, then that is when the leaders will start working to improve their dance. It has to be a system of checks and balances. If we allow mediocre leaders to dance with amazing followers and vice versa, then why would they want to get better? I remember an argument that a friend and I had a long time ago. She was upset because a horrible leader basically manhandled her for a whole tanda and made her look and feel bad. I witnessed the whole thing and I didn't like what this leader did, but I also didn't like that my friend was too nice not to end the carnage early!! Ladies, please use your power to say "no" to bad dances. It is better to sit all night, enjoy the music, and have a good conversation than to be dragged around the milonga floor like Hector was by Achilles after being slain in the movie "Troy". There were many times in my tango infancy that I was rejected by good followers. I never took it personally. It only served to make me better.
I'm not saying you shouldn't dance with beginners. Everyone should do a dance or two with beginners at the milonga and look at it as 'community service' and make them feel welcome. But there is a difference between a beginner, and a bad dancer who just never 'gets it'. There are a number of guys at any given milonga who have been dancing for a long time, they maul the ladies, and they never have any incentive to get better because they get all the dances they want anyway.
7] BE NICE
Rejection is tough to accept. Feeling can be easily hurt. Please take this into consideration when rejecting someone. It might help to approach it as though you are going to break up with someone, making sure not to hurt their feelings but yet not giving them hope for a reunion. For example:
"Sorry, its not you it’s me"
"Look, I am not in a good place right now, I want to just be alone for a while"
"I just want you to be happy"
"You deserve better"
"I know we danced last night, but that was then, this is now"
For the rejectee, just accept it and move on. It doesn't help to reply:
"But why?"
"Just tell me why"
"Give me one good reason"
"I can change"
"Look, I'll be right here. Let me know if things change"
"But I thought we meant something"
"You suck"
8] TRADING
This is when leaders or followers end the tanda early and then finish it off with someone else. This is bad business. What makes it worse is that in order to facilitate this trade, one usually has to make eye contact and cut a deal with the new partner while still on the dance floor with the original partner! I've seen this happen at the milonga and all I can say is that this is "shady, shady, shady". Like I mentioned in Rule # 5: Invitations to dance should happen during the cortinas (the minute of ambient music that is played between the tandas).
9] THE "DANCE WITH ME NOW" CARD
Every now and then I will be invited by a lady to dance and I will politely refuse because I will be in the process of doing something that prevents me from dancing with her at the moment (getting a drink, taking a rest, on my way to the bathroom to change shirts, etc. etc.) This is when the lady will sometimes pull out the "dance with me now" card by saying "But I'm leaving the milonga in 5 minutes". This makes me uncomfortable because now I feel pressured to dance with her right then and there. What makes matters worse is when I do succumb to the pressure, I dance with the person, and the person DOES NOT LEAVE THE MILONGA! I think a lot of people agree with me when I say that if you are going to use the "dance with me now" card by claiming that you are about to leave, then I better not see you at the coat rack at the same time as me at the end of the night.
Also, resist the urge to use excessive force when asking for a dance, i.e. grabbing your target and dragging him or her to the floor while exclaiming "Let's dance! Let's dance!" You should give the other person a choice of whether or not to dance with you, being polite and civilized about it. Bottom line: The dance is not enjoyable if the inviter (male or female) pressures the invitee. People want to dance out of pleasure, not duty.
10] THE BARE FOOT "WHITE FLAG"
Because rejection can be hard to take, one method devised by some ladies of communicating to the men that they are not accepting invitations at the moment is to take their shoes off. This serves as 'proof' that they really are taking a break, should anyone ask them. All they have to do is raise up the bare foot 'white flag'. They can rest the balls of their feet from those 4 inch heels and not get hassled by potential dance partners. (On the flip side, they can also make a guy feel great if they do decide to dance when asked and say 'let me put my shoes back on for you'.)
10] BE PERCEPTIVE
Pay attention to your potential partner's body language when you are getting ready to ask them for a dance. There are non-verbal signals that you should try to clue in to. Gentlemen, if you are headed towards a woman and she sees you and quickly turns away, reaches down to fiddle with her shoe strap, digs in her purse endlessly - it means she DOESN'T WANT TO DANCE. If she even jumps up and heads for the ladies room, don't pursue her and grab her shoulder as she flees thinking 'maybe she didn't see me'. If she notices you and maintains eye contact, or smiles, or waves, or in general looks pleased that you are headed her way, then by all means ask her! If you are not sure, go over and say hello, and judge by her reaction whether she wants to dance.
You can look around the room as well and guess which people are wanting to dance. If they are sitting or standing right by the dance floor, looking intently and wistfully at the dancers, looking around to catch the attention of potential partners, etc, then they are most certainly available. If they are sitting with all their attention focused on their companion, deep in conversation, eating, enjoying a drink and looking otherwise very comfortable where they are, approach with caution. See if you can catch their eye. If they look away, then save your invitation for later. Yes, this is a version of the cabeceo. If someone is in the midst of an animated conversation, do not hang around in the periphery of their vision, tapping your foot, waiting for the split-second when they pause for breath to interject your invitation. Ask someone else.
12] ASK PERMISSION
Maybe some people will think this is very old-fashioned but I think it is nice: When you approach a couple who are dating or married and they are sitting together, it is nice to 'ask permission' of the other when you want to ask one of them to dance. Often it is the man asking the other man for 'permission' to dance with his lady. This is not because the man 'owns' the woman or because the woman needs her date's permission. It is simply showing the courtesy of acknowledging the other human at the table when you come to take their companion away. I think it is rude to come up to a couple and ask one person without even saying 'hello' or 'excuse me' or 'may I?' to the other. This rule of course only applies if the couple is actually seated together. And this rule also applies to women asking permission of another woman to dance with her man. Ladies, if a gentleman is standing with his arm around his significant other and you come up and ask him, make sure to greet both people, don't just grab him and drag him away. Yes, this happens, and yes it is rude.
Most of these rules may seem like they shouldn't need to be laid out, but you would be surprised. Anytime someone violates these rules, its because they are letting their ego get the best of them. In the end, we are all tango music lovers and we all love to dance, and we all must learn to get along at the milonga. Being aware of, sensitive to, and in tune with another person are what partner dancing is all about. Use these skills off the dance floor as well as on.
January 9
Originally uploaded by carmen|farrell
The photo should make sense, obtusely, later in the post...
Debbi's most recent post "Feedback vs. Backoff" and Johanna's related post "A Quandry" about a hack/teacher got me to thinking about a prior post of mine - actually I think I have posted it twice now.
It has become my "holy grail" of tango etiquette - "The Do's and Don'ts of Inviting" by Ney Melo.
You will find this (and more) under his Section #6 - The Tanda:
"I truly believe that when women start using their power of declining dances and sending messages, then that is when the leaders will start working to improve their dance. It has to be a system of checks and balances. If we allow mediocre leaders to dance with amazing followers and vice versa, then why would they want to get better?"
This is huge. It works. It worked on me in the early months. It made me want to BE better, to be a better leader, "to be a better man".
I think the organizers of practicas need to make an announcement in the beginning, and then again at a middle/break/announcement point - about proper feedback, and that a practica is all about feedback, and that it is not just about practicing tango, but also about the practice of giving and receiving positive, healthy feedback. Healthy for the individual, the two individuals involved, and the tango community at large. Maybe there should even be a "feedback moment" at all practicas- where the organizer says - "Okay, the next tanda is a feedback tanda - constructive suggestions only!".
Come on people! We are all adults here. Frankly, I'm tired of all the bandying about and beating around the bush and walking on eggshells. Let's communicate! Communication is key. Communication is king!
Come on! Give it to me! I can take it. Help me help myself! Help me help you. Help me, help you. I want to be a better leader. I want to be a better man.
I was really pissed, mostly at myself, but also that no one in my community, not even my teacher, would tell me that my walk sucked in a big way. "Do you hear that great big sucking noise? That's Alex's walk!" (In the words of Ross Perot...) After an EFFING YEAR! A year! Luckily, I realized it on my own and started to take the appropriate steps (pun intended) to fix it.
Debbi's issue might be corrected simply by some appropriate announcements by the practica organizer.
Johanna's issue is a little more delicate, but I think the guy needs to be approached by someone - another male in the community perhaps - probably not another teacher - a community organizer/leader - maybe a friend of the guy - stick a note in his shoe - something - anything - just not silence. I think the guy should be able to take some constructive criticism. Plus, the fact that he is a teacher makes it that much more important to deal with. A community does not need a teacher who is a bad leader teaching new leaders. Or leading new followers for that matter.
Better to not dance at all, versus dancing with a bad leader??? Just say no!
I would like to believe that we are all open to constructive criticism. Just don't take anything personally. Don't take it as a personal attack. Accept it, assimilate it, roll with it, deal with it. It may or may not be accurate feedback, but it came up, and it was given in the spirit of love and caring. If we don't give a shit about someone, do we ever tell them anything? (uh-oh...I just realized something...)
What about the guy I know who got "thank you'd" (by three different women) at the end of each song of a tanda at a festival. At a FESTIVAL no less! Shot down after the first song. Strafed after the second song. Napalm'd after the third song. One right after the other - boom, boom, boom. The guy didn't get it. The women (saying yes) didn't get it.
This guy is not even dancing tango. He dances some bastardized deviant variant form of it. It used to piss me off so much that I wanted to go tell him to his face that the women were all complaining, and that they (we) would like for him to please learn how to dance tango. To ever-so-gently point out that he was not dancing tango. But they always said "No, don't. It will hurt his feelings. The community is too small." Little did they know that I already knew I was going to be leaving the community, and didn't really care. But I never did say anything. I suppose he is still there, having the time of his life, oblivious, dancing his deviant variant. The aggravating thing was that the women were all complaining, but they were all still dancing with him. Still saying yes.
The worst part, in his deviant variant dance, was/is his pelvic lead. I should really call it his pelvic "thrusting" lead. The guy danced like a horny dachshund. It became sad to watch.
And the kicker is that this guy has been dancing for five years or more. Taking classes and workshops like the rest of us. Alongside the rest of us, but never getting it...never improving. He takes the information from the class, filters it through his pelvis, molds and adapts it into his deviant variant dance, and then it comes out, er, it comes out through his pelvis.
Perhaps this is harsh, but my feeling (at the time) was if his feelings got hurt and he left tango forever, then so be it. This guy had a habit of showing up to new beginner classes and dancing with the newbie followers. My position was this this guy was singlehandedly driving new followers from the community. They had to be thinking - "If this is what tango feels like, if this is the type of man I will be dancing tango with here, then I'm not coming back to this..." or something along those lines.
Ultimately I told the followers (who were complaining) that if they would not let me say something, and if they were not going to say anything, then they should stop their complaining and dance happily with him. Basically, they all converted, en masse, to open embrace with the guy. Thereby thwarting his pelvic/thrusting/humping lead. They danced milonguero with everyone but him. Perhaps he got the message after all.
I did my part as a member of the community and started showing up at the beginner classes to dance with the newbies, too, to offset the damage being done by this guy. (And to help - to be the teacher's "assistant".) It got to the almost comical point of the teacher sidling up to me, nondescriptlike, pointing someone out and whispering to me, hushed, "Go dance with her, she's been dancing with Mr. XXX too much, you need to go purify her". After dancing with these noviates, they would almost invariably say, appreciatively, "Ahhhh, so thhaaat's what it's supposed to feel like...", like the light bulb was lighting up over their head.
But then I left the community. I'm sure Mr. XXX is still doing his "thing". And still getting all the dances he wants.
My point is someone within the community should be able to say something to these people - something constructive, polite, kind, gentle - but to the point. Perhaps not in the heat of moment. Perhaps in an anonymous letter of cut and paste magazine letters - ransom letter style. What about the person with chronic bad breath? What about the person with chronic B.O.? What about the horse wrangler who comes to class right off the ranch, without showering? What about the touchy/feely pelvic leading lech? What about the guy making inappropriate and failed "romantic" (perverse) whisperings into follower's ears? What about the guy dancing with the banana in is pocket? What about the full blown pervert who has taken up tango with his only goal being to get laid?
Okay, so once again, I see that I have digressed "off point" - veering off of the "just say no" topic, to more overarching community-wide issues.
God, apparently I had some pent up shit to say on this subject...
'nuff said...
Here's Ney's article in its entirety...focus on Part 6...for this post...
Tango Etiquette - The Do's and Don'ts of Inviting :: by Ney Melo :: 07/24/2006
I have been thinking about writing this article for a long time, after having experienced many humorous and not-so-humorous episodes at the milonga. Many of us get caught up in learning the steps of the tango and then we get to the milonga and we don't know that there are certain unwritten rules about inviting and accepting or declining dances. While the 'cabeceo' - or inviting people to dance with eye contact and a nod - is alive and well in Buenos Aires, we live in North America and as such our customs have to adapt. (It would be great if the cabeceo were used here because it empowers both men and especially women to dance with the partners they most want to dance with. But the thing is, the cabeceo only works when everyone does it.) Therefore, I've put together a list of "rules" that, if somewhat adhered to, will make the milonga enjoyable for men and ladies alike.
1] THE RULE OF THE "FIRST AND LAST"
The first and last tango of the milonga experience have a significant meaning in the mind of a milonguero/a. Ideally, you'd want to start off on the right foot; you'd want to begin dancing with a capable and smooth partner in order to prepare for the long night of dancing that lies ahead.
But just as a good partner will raise you to the next level, a horrible partner will knock you down a few notches. The saying among milongueros is that it takes two good partners in a row to knock out the effects of one bad one. Therefore, be careful about who you accept or invite as your first partner. The last tanda (a set of tangos) also has a significance. In Buenos Aires, it is said that you usually dance the last tanda with your lover or a potential lover. I take a more casual approach to this rule and I think that one should dance that last tanda with their significant other unless agreed otherwise. If you are single, then it's open game whom to dance with. However if you are dancing with someone whom you know has a significant other at the milonga, and the last tanda is announced, it is a nice courtesy to ask them if they need to go dance with that other person.
2] NO BABYSITTING
Typical scenario: a lady is sitting down at a milonga and is approached by a gentleman who then invites her to dance. Rather than reject him outright, she says 'no, not right now', that she is tired, taking a break, waiting for a friend, etc. Instead of walking away, the guy decides to SIT DOWN BESIDE HER and wait for her to be ready to dance with him! This man has just committed what I call "babysitting". I have seen both ladies and gentlemen commit this fiendish act. When someone says no, it means that you should stay away from him/her for a certain period of time. This leads me to the next rule.
3] THE DURATION OF "NO"
After discussing this with many milongueros and milongueras, I've come to the following onclusion. No means "No for a Little While". If you have been rejected, you cannot invite the same person to dance again at the beginning of the next tanda! Only after 2, 5, maybe more tandas later can you consider asking that person to dance again. Don't be a Stalker. Often times the person who rejected you may even track you down to claim that dance later on when they are ready -- that is if they were truly tired in the first place.
4] THE PENALTY BOX
Rejecting someone does bring a consequence along with it. This is the rule that if you reject someone for a tango, you cannot dance that same tango with someone better who comes along. You have to, at least, wait for the next song or preferably for the next tanda. You can think of those minutes of waiting time as being in hockey's "penalty box". Sometimes this is a double-edged sword because let's say you are in the "penalty box" but then a really amazing dancer who never asks you to dance finally asks you. You know that if you turn them down then you may never get your chance again, but if you say yes you will look like a jerk in the eyes of the first person that asked you (and then THEY may cease asking)! Sometimes you just can't win!
5] CUTTING IN
I've seen old black and white movies where a Clark Gable or an Errol Flynn type will cut in between the beautiful, young starlet of the movie and her lame-duck partner who audiences forget about seconds later. Well, that only happens in the movies. I'm pretty sure that "Cutting in" is banned in all milongas in all the countries in the world. Back when I was a beginner, I once had someone kindly ask me if they could "cut-in". I kindly cursed them and their family in my mind. That's how serious it is! Invitations to dance happen during the cortinas (the minute of ambient music that is played between the tandas) not when 2 people are standing and talking between the songs in a tanda. PERIOD.
6] THE TANDA
A DJ will usually play 3 or 4 songs of the same orchestra or style followed by a one minute cortina. This "set" is called a tanda. It is only when we want to stop dancing with our partner that we say "thank you". Do not make the mistake of saying "thank you" after every tango. Try to wait until the end of the tanda. If we do not wait until the end, then we are conveying a message. Here is a quick breakdown of the "messages":
We danced 4 songs: That was nice/ I enjoyed it/ Let's do it again in the near future, etc. etc.
We danced 3 songs: It was ok/ Sorry, my feet hurt/ Yikes! My ride home is leaving, gotta go!
We danced 2 songs: I've humored you long enough/ You need to take more lessons/ I thought the first bad tango was my fault, but now I see that its your fault.
We danced 1 song: It's just not happening/ Maybe you should just sit and watch for a while/ Please don't ask me to dance at this milonga again.
I truly believe that when women start using their power of declining dances and sending messages, then that is when the leaders will start working to improve their dance. It has to be a system of checks and balances. If we allow mediocre leaders to dance with amazing followers and vice versa, then why would they want to get better? I remember an argument that a friend and I had a long time ago. She was upset because a horrible leader basically manhandled her for a whole tanda and made her look and feel bad. I witnessed the whole thing and I didn't like what this leader did, but I also didn't like that my friend was too nice not to end the carnage early!! Ladies, please use your power to say "no" to bad dances. It is better to sit all night, enjoy the music, and have a good conversation than to be dragged around the milonga floor like Hector was by Achilles after being slain in the movie "Troy". There were many times in my tango infancy that I was rejected by good followers. I never took it personally. It only served to make me better.
I'm not saying you shouldn't dance with beginners. Everyone should do a dance or two with beginners at the milonga and look at it as 'community service' and make them feel welcome. But there is a difference between a beginner, and a bad dancer who just never 'gets it'. There are a number of guys at any given milonga who have been dancing for a long time, they maul the ladies, and they never have any incentive to get better because they get all the dances they want anyway.
7] BE NICE
Rejection is tough to accept. Feeling can be easily hurt. Please take this into consideration when rejecting someone. It might help to approach it as though you are going to break up with someone, making sure not to hurt their feelings but yet not giving them hope for a reunion. For example:
"Sorry, its not you it’s me"
"Look, I am not in a good place right now, I want to just be alone for a while"
"I just want you to be happy"
"You deserve better"
"I know we danced last night, but that was then, this is now"
For the rejectee, just accept it and move on. It doesn't help to reply:
"But why?"
"Just tell me why"
"Give me one good reason"
"I can change"
"Look, I'll be right here. Let me know if things change"
"But I thought we meant something"
"You suck"
8] TRADING
This is when leaders or followers end the tanda early and then finish it off with someone else. This is bad business. What makes it worse is that in order to facilitate this trade, one usually has to make eye contact and cut a deal with the new partner while still on the dance floor with the original partner! I've seen this happen at the milonga and all I can say is that this is "shady, shady, shady". Like I mentioned in Rule # 5: Invitations to dance should happen during the cortinas (the minute of ambient music that is played between the tandas).
9] THE "DANCE WITH ME NOW" CARD
Every now and then I will be invited by a lady to dance and I will politely refuse because I will be in the process of doing something that prevents me from dancing with her at the moment (getting a drink, taking a rest, on my way to the bathroom to change shirts, etc. etc.) This is when the lady will sometimes pull out the "dance with me now" card by saying "But I'm leaving the milonga in 5 minutes". This makes me uncomfortable because now I feel pressured to dance with her right then and there. What makes matters worse is when I do succumb to the pressure, I dance with the person, and the person DOES NOT LEAVE THE MILONGA! I think a lot of people agree with me when I say that if you are going to use the "dance with me now" card by claiming that you are about to leave, then I better not see you at the coat rack at the same time as me at the end of the night.
Also, resist the urge to use excessive force when asking for a dance, i.e. grabbing your target and dragging him or her to the floor while exclaiming "Let's dance! Let's dance!" You should give the other person a choice of whether or not to dance with you, being polite and civilized about it. Bottom line: The dance is not enjoyable if the inviter (male or female) pressures the invitee. People want to dance out of pleasure, not duty.
10] THE BARE FOOT "WHITE FLAG"
Because rejection can be hard to take, one method devised by some ladies of communicating to the men that they are not accepting invitations at the moment is to take their shoes off. This serves as 'proof' that they really are taking a break, should anyone ask them. All they have to do is raise up the bare foot 'white flag'. They can rest the balls of their feet from those 4 inch heels and not get hassled by potential dance partners. (On the flip side, they can also make a guy feel great if they do decide to dance when asked and say 'let me put my shoes back on for you'.)
10] BE PERCEPTIVE
Pay attention to your potential partner's body language when you are getting ready to ask them for a dance. There are non-verbal signals that you should try to clue in to. Gentlemen, if you are headed towards a woman and she sees you and quickly turns away, reaches down to fiddle with her shoe strap, digs in her purse endlessly - it means she DOESN'T WANT TO DANCE. If she even jumps up and heads for the ladies room, don't pursue her and grab her shoulder as she flees thinking 'maybe she didn't see me'. If she notices you and maintains eye contact, or smiles, or waves, or in general looks pleased that you are headed her way, then by all means ask her! If you are not sure, go over and say hello, and judge by her reaction whether she wants to dance.
You can look around the room as well and guess which people are wanting to dance. If they are sitting or standing right by the dance floor, looking intently and wistfully at the dancers, looking around to catch the attention of potential partners, etc, then they are most certainly available. If they are sitting with all their attention focused on their companion, deep in conversation, eating, enjoying a drink and looking otherwise very comfortable where they are, approach with caution. See if you can catch their eye. If they look away, then save your invitation for later. Yes, this is a version of the cabeceo. If someone is in the midst of an animated conversation, do not hang around in the periphery of their vision, tapping your foot, waiting for the split-second when they pause for breath to interject your invitation. Ask someone else.
12] ASK PERMISSION
Maybe some people will think this is very old-fashioned but I think it is nice: When you approach a couple who are dating or married and they are sitting together, it is nice to 'ask permission' of the other when you want to ask one of them to dance. Often it is the man asking the other man for 'permission' to dance with his lady. This is not because the man 'owns' the woman or because the woman needs her date's permission. It is simply showing the courtesy of acknowledging the other human at the table when you come to take their companion away. I think it is rude to come up to a couple and ask one person without even saying 'hello' or 'excuse me' or 'may I?' to the other. This rule of course only applies if the couple is actually seated together. And this rule also applies to women asking permission of another woman to dance with her man. Ladies, if a gentleman is standing with his arm around his significant other and you come up and ask him, make sure to greet both people, don't just grab him and drag him away. Yes, this happens, and yes it is rude.
Most of these rules may seem like they shouldn't need to be laid out, but you would be surprised. Anytime someone violates these rules, its because they are letting their ego get the best of them. In the end, we are all tango music lovers and we all love to dance, and we all must learn to get along at the milonga. Being aware of, sensitive to, and in tune with another person are what partner dancing is all about. Use these skills off the dance floor as well as on.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Going to Buenos Aires
A couple of really great posts by Tina at Siguiendo Mi Corazón prompted me to write about my one trip to Buenos Aires (so far). Her posts are "The Ghost" and "Tango is...que se yo"...
At a milonga this past weekend, I met a gentleman who is new to tango. He has been dancing for six months. He is going with a group of people to CITA (Congreso Internacional de Tango Argentino) this week in Buenos Aires. For those of you who may not know, CITA is organized by Fabian Salas and is billed as the "mega" tango event. This one is the 10th annual.
My first thought when this gentleman told me he was going to CITA that it was that it was way too early for him to be going. To Buenos Aires that is. But who am I to judge? Personally, going during the CITA event would be the worst possible time to go - with crowds of tourists at the milongas. I can't imagine that you could come away with a true picture, a true feeling, a true experience, of Buenos Aires and its tango culture.
This gentleman was talking about how much he was looking forward to dancing in the milongas there - talking about how crowded the dance floors would be in comparison to the milonga we were attending. Little does he know.
He was a nice gentleman, trying to draw me out of my solitary chair in the corner by inviting me to his table of friends. Shortly after our conversation, I changed my shoes and left. I was in a mood. Not because of this, but something else.
Going to Buenos Aires is like a journey to mecca. Many of us dream of going, but never do. Some are lucky/determined enough to go every year, or once every few years. I would hope that this gentleman is humbled by his trip to Buenos Aires. It can, and should be, a humbling experience.
I think some people "get" tango, and some never do. I "got it" fairly early in the process. Primarily because I availed myself of everything I could get my hands on to read about and understand "el tango". History, music, composers, orchestras, dancers - books, the internet, talking to more experienced dancers - I educated myself - and I continue to do so three and half years later. Learning and dancing. I wanted to understand, to "know". As in "knowing" versus "knowledge". I wanted it to seep into my soul and my bones. And it has, with a vengeance. I have been possessed (in the best sense of the metaphysical concept) by Tina's "El Duende".
For me, I was humbled by tango from the start. The thought of actually going to Buenos Aires in those early months never occured to me. I knew I would go eventually, but I also knew I was not ready. I had started taking tango classes two and half years earlier when I finally made the trip last April. For me, it was also my first international travel (besides Mexico). My passport was brand-spanking-new. It was a long overdue adventure for me.
Even at this point in my tango evolution, I knew I was not ready. It was a timing thing wherein an opportunity to go presented itself. I had to go. This might be my only chance, I thought to myself. I will repeat myself - I knew I was not ready to go. My dance was not ready. I had been dancing all those months in a very small community - with lots of room - too much room on the dance floor. My milonguero vocabulary was lacking. I could use up ten feet on the line of dance to do a turn. I needed to be able to do a pinpoint giro on a dime. I worked on this in intensive privates for two months prior to my departure.
And still, I was not ready. As humble as I already was, I knew I was in for more humbling, I was expecting it, welcoming it with open eyes, arms, mind, heart and soul. I did not go to Buenos Aires to dance. I was smart enough to know that I would not be doing a lot of dancing with porteñas - I expected none - and I got none - zero, nada, zilch. I viewed my trip as a learning and life experience. It was my first "real" trip to a foreign country, so that was exciting. It was an opportunity for me to take a six day intensive workshop with Gustavo y Giselle, as well as a few privates with other teachers. It was an opportunity for me to "experience" the milongas and the tango culture. It was an opportunity for me to experience Buenos Aires, the city, the people, the culture, the architecture, the history. The sights, sounds and smells. I experienced the most bizarre, otherworldly thunderstorm of my life.
With regard to dancing (or not), a friend told me the key for American men to get dances is to walk in like you own the place - it's all about your attitude. But, your dancing ability has to back it up. Mine didn't. My cabeceo sucked. As much as I had read up on it, it just wasn't working. So I sat a lot. I watched. I got drunk. I didn't "walk in like I owned the place" - I walked in like I was a friend of a friend of a 1/24th time share owner.
With regard to the G&G workshop, I knew the moment our small group walked in to Leonesa that my partner and I were in over our heads. Big time. The other forty or so students were professional dancers and teachers. That first day I got my head straight about it - I said to myself, "Self, do the workshop, do your best, and if you retain nothing whatsoever, that's okay. The experience and the workshop material will eventually sink in and you will be a better dancer because of it." And I was, or I am. The followers back in Aspen noticed a difference in my lead when I got back. It's been gradually improving over the past year - fits and starts - hills and gullies - but improving it is. I'm still working on the material from that workshop a year later.
That first day of the workshop, I almost walked back to pack my bags and fly home.
The second day of the workshop, I almost walked back to pack my bags and fly home.
The third day things started to kick in a little bit. The fourth, fifth and sixth days were much better. Lack of confidence can be a killer. It's totally counterproductive in tango - it murders a lead.
In the end, the trip was not about the dancing, it was not about the technique classes, but about the life experience for Alex. It was about "getting it". Tango made more sense to me. The milongas, the culture, the city, the lifestyle - it was but a short glimpse. I went for all the wrong reasons. I went when I was not ready. But I am still glad that I went. It changes you. It possesses you. You could probably go there, just stay in a hotel in the city for night, and fly away the next day a better dancer. It's hard to explain. I'm connected to it all - by a thread of energy.
I'm at a point now in my life now that I don't know if I will ever go back. It saddens me to "hear" myself write this. I can't see it in my life for at least another year. I would like to go back and be able to spend a month - go down to Tierra del Fuego - and see the country.
Going to Buenos Aires after dancing tango only six months, going to CITA, expecting to dance at the milongas - people (leaders) like this just don't get it. It's too bad.
(Random thought::The BsAs experience is a different one for followers - if you have been you know what I mean. I may touch on this in another post.)
At a milonga this past weekend, I met a gentleman who is new to tango. He has been dancing for six months. He is going with a group of people to CITA (Congreso Internacional de Tango Argentino) this week in Buenos Aires. For those of you who may not know, CITA is organized by Fabian Salas and is billed as the "mega" tango event. This one is the 10th annual.
My first thought when this gentleman told me he was going to CITA that it was that it was way too early for him to be going. To Buenos Aires that is. But who am I to judge? Personally, going during the CITA event would be the worst possible time to go - with crowds of tourists at the milongas. I can't imagine that you could come away with a true picture, a true feeling, a true experience, of Buenos Aires and its tango culture.
This gentleman was talking about how much he was looking forward to dancing in the milongas there - talking about how crowded the dance floors would be in comparison to the milonga we were attending. Little does he know.
He was a nice gentleman, trying to draw me out of my solitary chair in the corner by inviting me to his table of friends. Shortly after our conversation, I changed my shoes and left. I was in a mood. Not because of this, but something else.
Going to Buenos Aires is like a journey to mecca. Many of us dream of going, but never do. Some are lucky/determined enough to go every year, or once every few years. I would hope that this gentleman is humbled by his trip to Buenos Aires. It can, and should be, a humbling experience.
I think some people "get" tango, and some never do. I "got it" fairly early in the process. Primarily because I availed myself of everything I could get my hands on to read about and understand "el tango". History, music, composers, orchestras, dancers - books, the internet, talking to more experienced dancers - I educated myself - and I continue to do so three and half years later. Learning and dancing. I wanted to understand, to "know". As in "knowing" versus "knowledge". I wanted it to seep into my soul and my bones. And it has, with a vengeance. I have been possessed (in the best sense of the metaphysical concept) by Tina's "El Duende".
For me, I was humbled by tango from the start. The thought of actually going to Buenos Aires in those early months never occured to me. I knew I would go eventually, but I also knew I was not ready. I had started taking tango classes two and half years earlier when I finally made the trip last April. For me, it was also my first international travel (besides Mexico). My passport was brand-spanking-new. It was a long overdue adventure for me.
Even at this point in my tango evolution, I knew I was not ready. It was a timing thing wherein an opportunity to go presented itself. I had to go. This might be my only chance, I thought to myself. I will repeat myself - I knew I was not ready to go. My dance was not ready. I had been dancing all those months in a very small community - with lots of room - too much room on the dance floor. My milonguero vocabulary was lacking. I could use up ten feet on the line of dance to do a turn. I needed to be able to do a pinpoint giro on a dime. I worked on this in intensive privates for two months prior to my departure.
And still, I was not ready. As humble as I already was, I knew I was in for more humbling, I was expecting it, welcoming it with open eyes, arms, mind, heart and soul. I did not go to Buenos Aires to dance. I was smart enough to know that I would not be doing a lot of dancing with porteñas - I expected none - and I got none - zero, nada, zilch. I viewed my trip as a learning and life experience. It was my first "real" trip to a foreign country, so that was exciting. It was an opportunity for me to take a six day intensive workshop with Gustavo y Giselle, as well as a few privates with other teachers. It was an opportunity for me to "experience" the milongas and the tango culture. It was an opportunity for me to experience Buenos Aires, the city, the people, the culture, the architecture, the history. The sights, sounds and smells. I experienced the most bizarre, otherworldly thunderstorm of my life.
With regard to dancing (or not), a friend told me the key for American men to get dances is to walk in like you own the place - it's all about your attitude. But, your dancing ability has to back it up. Mine didn't. My cabeceo sucked. As much as I had read up on it, it just wasn't working. So I sat a lot. I watched. I got drunk. I didn't "walk in like I owned the place" - I walked in like I was a friend of a friend of a 1/24th time share owner.
With regard to the G&G workshop, I knew the moment our small group walked in to Leonesa that my partner and I were in over our heads. Big time. The other forty or so students were professional dancers and teachers. That first day I got my head straight about it - I said to myself, "Self, do the workshop, do your best, and if you retain nothing whatsoever, that's okay. The experience and the workshop material will eventually sink in and you will be a better dancer because of it." And I was, or I am. The followers back in Aspen noticed a difference in my lead when I got back. It's been gradually improving over the past year - fits and starts - hills and gullies - but improving it is. I'm still working on the material from that workshop a year later.
That first day of the workshop, I almost walked back to pack my bags and fly home.
The second day of the workshop, I almost walked back to pack my bags and fly home.
The third day things started to kick in a little bit. The fourth, fifth and sixth days were much better. Lack of confidence can be a killer. It's totally counterproductive in tango - it murders a lead.
In the end, the trip was not about the dancing, it was not about the technique classes, but about the life experience for Alex. It was about "getting it". Tango made more sense to me. The milongas, the culture, the city, the lifestyle - it was but a short glimpse. I went for all the wrong reasons. I went when I was not ready. But I am still glad that I went. It changes you. It possesses you. You could probably go there, just stay in a hotel in the city for night, and fly away the next day a better dancer. It's hard to explain. I'm connected to it all - by a thread of energy.
I'm at a point now in my life now that I don't know if I will ever go back. It saddens me to "hear" myself write this. I can't see it in my life for at least another year. I would like to go back and be able to spend a month - go down to Tierra del Fuego - and see the country.
Going to Buenos Aires after dancing tango only six months, going to CITA, expecting to dance at the milongas - people (leaders) like this just don't get it. It's too bad.
(Random thought::The BsAs experience is a different one for followers - if you have been you know what I mean. I may touch on this in another post.)
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
No words for this...
I don't want to say anything about this...positive or negative...because no words are necessary...
You know the old tango cliché of the "knife fight" between potential suitors/leaders?
This one brings that cliché to a new level - with an undertone of the fight being between lead and follow. You could also consider this - the internal struggle within each viewer - to watch or not to watch - the fighting to stop watching out of embarrassment - but being held for some reason - held, stupified. Why do we allow ourselves to be assaulted by what we see...?
I'm sure from their perspective, they worked very hard, putting in long hours on this "routine" before performing, videoing and posting it. So I don't want to be negative or critical about it....but really, I don't understand why people continue to actually post stuff like this for the world to see.
NOTE:
I TOOK THE VIDEO DOWN...FEELING LIKE I'M BEING TOO NEGATIVE...PASSIVELY/AGRESSIVELY SAYING "I DON'T WANT TO BE NEGATIVE", BUT STILL POSTING IT ANYWAY IS BEING NEGATIVE...LOW VIBRATIONAL PLANE...
IT IS WHAT IT IS...GOOD, BAD, UGLY, WHATEVER...I DON'T WANT TO GO IN THIS DIRECTION WITH MY BLOG...OR MY ENERGY...
BUT IT WAS PRETTY BAD...(grin)...
You know the old tango cliché of the "knife fight" between potential suitors/leaders?
This one brings that cliché to a new level - with an undertone of the fight being between lead and follow. You could also consider this - the internal struggle within each viewer - to watch or not to watch - the fighting to stop watching out of embarrassment - but being held for some reason - held, stupified. Why do we allow ourselves to be assaulted by what we see...?
I'm sure from their perspective, they worked very hard, putting in long hours on this "routine" before performing, videoing and posting it. So I don't want to be negative or critical about it....but really, I don't understand why people continue to actually post stuff like this for the world to see.
NOTE:
I TOOK THE VIDEO DOWN...FEELING LIKE I'M BEING TOO NEGATIVE...PASSIVELY/AGRESSIVELY SAYING "I DON'T WANT TO BE NEGATIVE", BUT STILL POSTING IT ANYWAY IS BEING NEGATIVE...LOW VIBRATIONAL PLANE...
IT IS WHAT IT IS...GOOD, BAD, UGLY, WHATEVER...I DON'T WANT TO GO IN THIS DIRECTION WITH MY BLOG...OR MY ENERGY...
BUT IT WAS PRETTY BAD...(grin)...
Monday, February 25, 2008
Ney Melo :: The Do's and Don'ts of Inviting
I was reading Elizabeth's post "No means what?" over at her blog "Working Artist" and it reminded me of something I posted a while back.
It's an article by Ney Melo (of Ney Melo & the divine Miss Jennifer Bratt) that he wrote about the do's and don'ts of inviting...saying "no"...the huge responsibility for followers to say "no" in order to motivate bad leaders to get better...and other pertinent tango etiquette.
And here it is....
The Do's and Don'ts of Inviting, by Ney Melo, July 2006
I have been thinking about writing this article for a long time, after having experienced many humorous and not-so-humorous episodes at the milonga. Many of us get caught up in learning the steps of the tango and then we get to the milonga and we don't know that there are certain unwritten rules about inviting and accepting or declining dances. While the 'cabeceo' - or inviting people to dance with eye contact and a nod - is alive and well in Buenos Aires, we live in North America and as such our customs have to adapt. (It would be great if the cabeceo were used here because it empowers both men and especially women to dance with the partners they most want to dance with. But the thing is, the cabeceo only works when everyone does it.) Therefore, I've put together a list of "rules" that, if somewhat adhered to, will make the milonga enjoyable for men and ladies alike.
1] THE RULE OF THE "FIRST AND LAST"
The first and last tango of the milonga experience have a significant meaning in the mind of a milonguero/a. Ideally, you'd want to start off on the right foot; you'd want to begin dancing with a capable and smooth partner in order to prepare for the long night of dancing that lies ahead.
But just as a good partner will raise you to the next level, a horrible partner will knock you down a few notches. The saying among milongueros is that it takes two good partners in a row to knock out the effects of one bad one. Therefore, be careful about who you accept or invite as your first
partner. The last tanda (a set of tangos) also has a significance. In Buenos Aires, it is said that you usually dance the last tanda with your lover or a potential lover. I take a more casual approach to this rule and I think that one should dance that last tanda with their significant other unless agreed
otherwise. If you are single, then it's open game whom to dance with. However if you are dancing with someone whom you know has a significant other at the milonga, and the last tanda is announced, it is a nice courtesy to ask them if they need to go dance with that other person.
2] NO BABYSITTING
Typical scenario: a lady is sitting down at a milonga and is approached by a gentleman who then invites her to dance. Rather than reject him outright, she says 'no, not right now', that she is tired, taking a break, waiting for a friend, etc. Instead of walking away, the guy decides to SIT DOWN BESIDE HER and wait for her to be ready to dance with him! This man has just committed what I call "babysitting". I have seen both ladies and gentlemen commit this fiendish act. When someone says no, it means that you should stay away from him/her for a certain period of time. This leads me to the next rule.
3] THE DURATION OF "NO"
After discussing this with many milongueros and milongueras, I've come to the following onclusion. No means "No for a Little While". If you have been rejected, you cannot invite the same person to dance again at the beginning of the next tanda! Only after 2, 5, maybe more tandas later can you consider asking that person to dance again. Don't be a Stalker. Often times the person who rejected you may even track you down to claim that dance later on when they are ready -- that is if they were truly tired in the first place.
4] THE PENALTY BOX
Rejecting someone does bring a consequence along with it. This is the rule that if you reject someone for a tango, you cannot dance that same tango with someone better who comes along. You have to, at least, wait for the next song or preferably for the next tanda. You can think of those minutes of waiting time as being in hockey's "penalty box". Sometimes this is a double-edged sword because let's say you are in the "penalty box" but then a really amazing dancer who never asks you to dance finally asks you. You know that if you turn them down then you may never get your chance again, but if you say yes you will look like a jerk in the eyes of the first person
that asked you (and then THEY may cease asking)! Sometimes you just can't win!
5] CUTTING IN
I've seen old black and white movies where a Clark Gable or an Errol Flynn type will cut in between the beautiful, young starlet of the movie and her lame-duck partner who audiences forget about seconds later. Well, that only happens in the movies. I'm pretty sure that "Cutting in" is banned in all milongas in all the countries in the world. Back when I was a beginner, I once had someone kindly ask me if they could "cut-in". I kindly cursed them and their family in my mind. That's how serious it is! Invitations to dance happen during the cortinas (the minute of ambient music that is played between the tandas) not when 2 people are standing and talking between the songs in a tanda. PERIOD.
6] THE TANDA
A DJ will usually play 3 or 4 songs of the same orchestra or style followed by a one minute cortina. This "set" is called a tanda. It is only when we want to stop dancing with our partner that we say "thank you". Do not make the mistake of saying "thank you" after every tango. Try to wait until the
end of the tanda. If we do not wait until the end, then we are conveying a message. Here is a quick breakdown of the "messages":
We danced 4 songs: That was nice/ I enjoyed it/ Let's do it again in the near future, etc. etc.
We danced 3 songs: It was ok/ Sorry, my feet hurt/ Yikes! My ride home is leaving, gotta go!
We danced 2 songs: I've humored you long enough/ You need to take more lessons/ I thought the first bad tango was my fault, but now I see that its your fault.
We danced 1 song: It's just not happening/ Maybe you should just sit and watch for a while/ Please don't ask me to dance at this milonga again.
I truly believe that when women start using their power of declining dances and sending messages, then that is when the leaders will start working to improve their dance. It has to be a system of checks and balances. If we allow mediocre leaders to dance with amazing followers and vice versa, then why would they want to get better? I remember an argument that a friend and I had a long time ago. She was upset because a horrible leader basically manhandled her for a whole tanda and made her look and feel bad. I witnessed the whole thing and I didn't like what this leader did, but I also didn't like that my friend was too nice not to end the carnage early!! Ladies, please
use your power to say "no" to bad dances. It is better to sit all night, enjoy the music, and have a good conversation than to be dragged around the milonga floor like Hector was by Achilles after being slain in the movie "Troy". There were many times in my tango infancy that I was rejected by
good followers. I never took it personally. It only served to make me better.
I'm not saying you shouldn't dance with beginners. Everyone should do a dance or two with beginners at the milonga and look at it as 'community service' and make them feel welcome. But there is a difference between a beginner, and a bad dancer who just never 'gets it'. There are a number of guys at any given milonga who have been dancing for a long time, they maul the ladies, and they never have any incentive to get better because they get all the dances they want anyway.
7] BE NICE
Rejection is tough to accept. Feeling can be easily hurt. Please take this into consideration when rejecting someone. It might help to approach it as though you are going to break up with someone, making sure not to hurt their feelings but yet not giving them hope for a reunion. For example:
"Sorry, its not you it’s me"
"Look, I am not in a good place right now, I want to just be alone for a while"
"I just want you to be happy"
"You deserve better"
"I know we danced last night, but that was then, this is now"
For the rejectee, just accept it and move on. It doesn't help to reply:
"But why?"
"Just tell me why"
"Give me one good reason"
"I can change"
"Look, I'll be right here. Let me know if things change"
"But I thought we meant something"
"You suck"
8] TRADING
This is when leaders or followers end the tanda early and then finish it off with someone else. This is bad business. What makes it worse is that in order to facilitate this trade, one usually has to make eye contact and cut a deal with the new partner while still on the dance floor with the original partner! I've seen this happen at the milonga and all I can say is that this is "shady, shady, shady". Like I mentioned in Rule # 5: Invitations to dance should happen during the cortinas (the minute of ambient music that is played between the tandas).
9] THE "DANCE WITH ME NOW" CARD
Every now and then I will be invited by a lady to dance and I will politely refuse because I will be in the process of doing something that prevents me from dancing with her at the moment (getting a drink, taking a rest, on my way to the bathroom to change shirts, etc. etc.) This is when the lady will
sometimes pull out the "dance with me now" card by saying "But I'm leaving the milonga in 5 minutes". This makes me uncomfortable because now I feel pressured to dance with her right then and there. What makes matters worse is when I do succumb to the pressure, I dance with the person, and the person DOES NOT LEAVE THE MILONGA! I think a lot of people agree with me when I say that if you are going to use the "dance with me now" card by claiming that you are about to leave, then I better not see you at the coat rack at the same time as me at the end of the night.
Also, resist the urge to use excessive force when asking for a dance, i.e. grabbing your target and dragging him or her to the floor while exclaiming "Let's dance! Let's dance!" You should give the other person a choice of whether or not to dance with you, being polite and civilized about it. Bottom line: The dance is not enjoyable if the inviter (male or female) pressures the invitee. People want to dance out of pleasure, not duty.
10] THE BARE FOOT "WHITE FLAG"
Because rejection can be hard to take, one method devised by some ladies of communicating to the men that they are not accepting invitations at the moment is to take their shoes off. This serves as 'proof' that they really are taking a break, should anyone ask them. All they have to do is raise up the bare foot 'white flag'. They can rest the balls of their feet from those 4 inch heels and not get hassled by potential dance partners. (On the flip side, they can also make a guy feel great if they do decide to dance when asked and say 'let me put my shoes back on for you'.)
10] BE PERCEPTIVE
Pay attention to your potential partner's body language when you are getting ready to ask them for a dance. There are non-verbal signals that you should try to clue in to. Gentlemen, if you are headed towards a woman and she sees you and quickly turns away, reaches down to fiddle with her shoe strap, digs in her purse endlessly - it means she DOESN'T WANT TO DANCE. If she even jumps up and heads for the ladies room, don't pursue her and grab her shoulder as she flees thinking 'maybe she didn't see me'. If she notices you and maintains eye contact, or smiles, or waves, or in general looks pleased that you are headed her way, then by all means ask her! If you are not sure, go over and say hello, and judge by her reaction whether she wants to dance.
You can look around the room as well and guess which people are wanting to dance. If they are sitting or standing right by the dance floor, looking intently and wistfully at the dancers, looking around to catch the attention of potential partners, etc, then they are most certainly available. If they are sitting with all their attention focused on their companion, deep in conversation, eating, enjoying a drink and looking otherwise very comfortable where they are, approach with caution. See if you can catch their eye. If they look away, then save your invitation for later. Yes, this is a version of the cabeceo. If someone is in the midst of an animated conversation, do not hang around in the periphery of their vision, tapping your foot, waiting for the split-second when they pause for breath to interject your invitation. Ask someone else.
12] ASK PERMISSION
Maybe some people will think this is very old-fashioned but I think it is nice: When you approach a couple who are dating or married and they are sitting together, it is nice to 'ask permission' of the other when you want to ask one of them to dance. Often it is the man asking the other man for 'permission' to dance with his lady. This is not because the man 'owns' the woman or because the woman needs her date's permission. It is simply showing the courtesy of acknowledging the other human at the table when you come to take their companion away. I think it is rude to come up to a couple and ask one person without even saying 'hello' or 'excuse me' or 'may I?' to the other. This rule of course only applies if the couple is actually seated together. And this rule also applies to women asking permission of another woman to dance with her man. Ladies, if a gentleman is standing with his arm around his significant other and you come up and ask him, make sure to greet both people, don't just grab him and drag him away. Yes, this happens, and yes it is rude.
Most of these rules may seem like they shouldn't need to be laid out, but you would be surprised. Anytime someone violates these rules, its because they are letting their ego get the best of them. In the end, we are all tango music lovers and we all love to dance, and we all must learn to get along at the milonga. Being aware of, sensitive to, and in tune with another person are what partner dancing is all about. Use these skills off the dance floor as well as on.
It's an article by Ney Melo (of Ney Melo & the divine Miss Jennifer Bratt) that he wrote about the do's and don'ts of inviting...saying "no"...the huge responsibility for followers to say "no" in order to motivate bad leaders to get better...and other pertinent tango etiquette.
And here it is....
The Do's and Don'ts of Inviting, by Ney Melo, July 2006
I have been thinking about writing this article for a long time, after having experienced many humorous and not-so-humorous episodes at the milonga. Many of us get caught up in learning the steps of the tango and then we get to the milonga and we don't know that there are certain unwritten rules about inviting and accepting or declining dances. While the 'cabeceo' - or inviting people to dance with eye contact and a nod - is alive and well in Buenos Aires, we live in North America and as such our customs have to adapt. (It would be great if the cabeceo were used here because it empowers both men and especially women to dance with the partners they most want to dance with. But the thing is, the cabeceo only works when everyone does it.) Therefore, I've put together a list of "rules" that, if somewhat adhered to, will make the milonga enjoyable for men and ladies alike.
1] THE RULE OF THE "FIRST AND LAST"
The first and last tango of the milonga experience have a significant meaning in the mind of a milonguero/a. Ideally, you'd want to start off on the right foot; you'd want to begin dancing with a capable and smooth partner in order to prepare for the long night of dancing that lies ahead.
But just as a good partner will raise you to the next level, a horrible partner will knock you down a few notches. The saying among milongueros is that it takes two good partners in a row to knock out the effects of one bad one. Therefore, be careful about who you accept or invite as your first
partner. The last tanda (a set of tangos) also has a significance. In Buenos Aires, it is said that you usually dance the last tanda with your lover or a potential lover. I take a more casual approach to this rule and I think that one should dance that last tanda with their significant other unless agreed
otherwise. If you are single, then it's open game whom to dance with. However if you are dancing with someone whom you know has a significant other at the milonga, and the last tanda is announced, it is a nice courtesy to ask them if they need to go dance with that other person.
2] NO BABYSITTING
Typical scenario: a lady is sitting down at a milonga and is approached by a gentleman who then invites her to dance. Rather than reject him outright, she says 'no, not right now', that she is tired, taking a break, waiting for a friend, etc. Instead of walking away, the guy decides to SIT DOWN BESIDE HER and wait for her to be ready to dance with him! This man has just committed what I call "babysitting". I have seen both ladies and gentlemen commit this fiendish act. When someone says no, it means that you should stay away from him/her for a certain period of time. This leads me to the next rule.
3] THE DURATION OF "NO"
After discussing this with many milongueros and milongueras, I've come to the following onclusion. No means "No for a Little While". If you have been rejected, you cannot invite the same person to dance again at the beginning of the next tanda! Only after 2, 5, maybe more tandas later can you consider asking that person to dance again. Don't be a Stalker. Often times the person who rejected you may even track you down to claim that dance later on when they are ready -- that is if they were truly tired in the first place.
4] THE PENALTY BOX
Rejecting someone does bring a consequence along with it. This is the rule that if you reject someone for a tango, you cannot dance that same tango with someone better who comes along. You have to, at least, wait for the next song or preferably for the next tanda. You can think of those minutes of waiting time as being in hockey's "penalty box". Sometimes this is a double-edged sword because let's say you are in the "penalty box" but then a really amazing dancer who never asks you to dance finally asks you. You know that if you turn them down then you may never get your chance again, but if you say yes you will look like a jerk in the eyes of the first person
that asked you (and then THEY may cease asking)! Sometimes you just can't win!
5] CUTTING IN
I've seen old black and white movies where a Clark Gable or an Errol Flynn type will cut in between the beautiful, young starlet of the movie and her lame-duck partner who audiences forget about seconds later. Well, that only happens in the movies. I'm pretty sure that "Cutting in" is banned in all milongas in all the countries in the world. Back when I was a beginner, I once had someone kindly ask me if they could "cut-in". I kindly cursed them and their family in my mind. That's how serious it is! Invitations to dance happen during the cortinas (the minute of ambient music that is played between the tandas) not when 2 people are standing and talking between the songs in a tanda. PERIOD.
6] THE TANDA
A DJ will usually play 3 or 4 songs of the same orchestra or style followed by a one minute cortina. This "set" is called a tanda. It is only when we want to stop dancing with our partner that we say "thank you". Do not make the mistake of saying "thank you" after every tango. Try to wait until the
end of the tanda. If we do not wait until the end, then we are conveying a message. Here is a quick breakdown of the "messages":
We danced 4 songs: That was nice/ I enjoyed it/ Let's do it again in the near future, etc. etc.
We danced 3 songs: It was ok/ Sorry, my feet hurt/ Yikes! My ride home is leaving, gotta go!
We danced 2 songs: I've humored you long enough/ You need to take more lessons/ I thought the first bad tango was my fault, but now I see that its your fault.
We danced 1 song: It's just not happening/ Maybe you should just sit and watch for a while/ Please don't ask me to dance at this milonga again.
I truly believe that when women start using their power of declining dances and sending messages, then that is when the leaders will start working to improve their dance. It has to be a system of checks and balances. If we allow mediocre leaders to dance with amazing followers and vice versa, then why would they want to get better? I remember an argument that a friend and I had a long time ago. She was upset because a horrible leader basically manhandled her for a whole tanda and made her look and feel bad. I witnessed the whole thing and I didn't like what this leader did, but I also didn't like that my friend was too nice not to end the carnage early!! Ladies, please
use your power to say "no" to bad dances. It is better to sit all night, enjoy the music, and have a good conversation than to be dragged around the milonga floor like Hector was by Achilles after being slain in the movie "Troy". There were many times in my tango infancy that I was rejected by
good followers. I never took it personally. It only served to make me better.
I'm not saying you shouldn't dance with beginners. Everyone should do a dance or two with beginners at the milonga and look at it as 'community service' and make them feel welcome. But there is a difference between a beginner, and a bad dancer who just never 'gets it'. There are a number of guys at any given milonga who have been dancing for a long time, they maul the ladies, and they never have any incentive to get better because they get all the dances they want anyway.
7] BE NICE
Rejection is tough to accept. Feeling can be easily hurt. Please take this into consideration when rejecting someone. It might help to approach it as though you are going to break up with someone, making sure not to hurt their feelings but yet not giving them hope for a reunion. For example:
"Sorry, its not you it’s me"
"Look, I am not in a good place right now, I want to just be alone for a while"
"I just want you to be happy"
"You deserve better"
"I know we danced last night, but that was then, this is now"
For the rejectee, just accept it and move on. It doesn't help to reply:
"But why?"
"Just tell me why"
"Give me one good reason"
"I can change"
"Look, I'll be right here. Let me know if things change"
"But I thought we meant something"
"You suck"
8] TRADING
This is when leaders or followers end the tanda early and then finish it off with someone else. This is bad business. What makes it worse is that in order to facilitate this trade, one usually has to make eye contact and cut a deal with the new partner while still on the dance floor with the original partner! I've seen this happen at the milonga and all I can say is that this is "shady, shady, shady". Like I mentioned in Rule # 5: Invitations to dance should happen during the cortinas (the minute of ambient music that is played between the tandas).
9] THE "DANCE WITH ME NOW" CARD
Every now and then I will be invited by a lady to dance and I will politely refuse because I will be in the process of doing something that prevents me from dancing with her at the moment (getting a drink, taking a rest, on my way to the bathroom to change shirts, etc. etc.) This is when the lady will
sometimes pull out the "dance with me now" card by saying "But I'm leaving the milonga in 5 minutes". This makes me uncomfortable because now I feel pressured to dance with her right then and there. What makes matters worse is when I do succumb to the pressure, I dance with the person, and the person DOES NOT LEAVE THE MILONGA! I think a lot of people agree with me when I say that if you are going to use the "dance with me now" card by claiming that you are about to leave, then I better not see you at the coat rack at the same time as me at the end of the night.
Also, resist the urge to use excessive force when asking for a dance, i.e. grabbing your target and dragging him or her to the floor while exclaiming "Let's dance! Let's dance!" You should give the other person a choice of whether or not to dance with you, being polite and civilized about it. Bottom line: The dance is not enjoyable if the inviter (male or female) pressures the invitee. People want to dance out of pleasure, not duty.
10] THE BARE FOOT "WHITE FLAG"
Because rejection can be hard to take, one method devised by some ladies of communicating to the men that they are not accepting invitations at the moment is to take their shoes off. This serves as 'proof' that they really are taking a break, should anyone ask them. All they have to do is raise up the bare foot 'white flag'. They can rest the balls of their feet from those 4 inch heels and not get hassled by potential dance partners. (On the flip side, they can also make a guy feel great if they do decide to dance when asked and say 'let me put my shoes back on for you'.)
10] BE PERCEPTIVE
Pay attention to your potential partner's body language when you are getting ready to ask them for a dance. There are non-verbal signals that you should try to clue in to. Gentlemen, if you are headed towards a woman and she sees you and quickly turns away, reaches down to fiddle with her shoe strap, digs in her purse endlessly - it means she DOESN'T WANT TO DANCE. If she even jumps up and heads for the ladies room, don't pursue her and grab her shoulder as she flees thinking 'maybe she didn't see me'. If she notices you and maintains eye contact, or smiles, or waves, or in general looks pleased that you are headed her way, then by all means ask her! If you are not sure, go over and say hello, and judge by her reaction whether she wants to dance.
You can look around the room as well and guess which people are wanting to dance. If they are sitting or standing right by the dance floor, looking intently and wistfully at the dancers, looking around to catch the attention of potential partners, etc, then they are most certainly available. If they are sitting with all their attention focused on their companion, deep in conversation, eating, enjoying a drink and looking otherwise very comfortable where they are, approach with caution. See if you can catch their eye. If they look away, then save your invitation for later. Yes, this is a version of the cabeceo. If someone is in the midst of an animated conversation, do not hang around in the periphery of their vision, tapping your foot, waiting for the split-second when they pause for breath to interject your invitation. Ask someone else.
12] ASK PERMISSION
Maybe some people will think this is very old-fashioned but I think it is nice: When you approach a couple who are dating or married and they are sitting together, it is nice to 'ask permission' of the other when you want to ask one of them to dance. Often it is the man asking the other man for 'permission' to dance with his lady. This is not because the man 'owns' the woman or because the woman needs her date's permission. It is simply showing the courtesy of acknowledging the other human at the table when you come to take their companion away. I think it is rude to come up to a couple and ask one person without even saying 'hello' or 'excuse me' or 'may I?' to the other. This rule of course only applies if the couple is actually seated together. And this rule also applies to women asking permission of another woman to dance with her man. Ladies, if a gentleman is standing with his arm around his significant other and you come up and ask him, make sure to greet both people, don't just grab him and drag him away. Yes, this happens, and yes it is rude.
Most of these rules may seem like they shouldn't need to be laid out, but you would be surprised. Anytime someone violates these rules, its because they are letting their ego get the best of them. In the end, we are all tango music lovers and we all love to dance, and we all must learn to get along at the milonga. Being aware of, sensitive to, and in tune with another person are what partner dancing is all about. Use these skills off the dance floor as well as on.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
A dying tango community...
There are a lot of reasons why I think our tango community in Aspen is dying a slow death and I won't get into them all now. But one reason was exemplified at our (new) Tuesday night practica last night. Although I didn't go, this is the intel report I received over a glass of Pinot Noir, filet mignon and lamb chops, all prepared by a chef who had two major root canals only hours before:: No tango music was played at this "Argentine Tango Practica"...not even "alt" or "nuevo" tango music...simply "other" "totally non-tango" music was played...
I assume no tango was danced either... or tango was at best attempted... I have to agree with the purists... it's not tango if it's not tango music... plain and simple... it's not fucking tango so why call it that... a bunch of fucking wannabee tango blasphemers... they give tango a bad name... and repel interested people from the purest form of the art... fucking fuckers...
Sorry... I am pissed... and I am a purist...
I assume no tango was danced either... or tango was at best attempted... I have to agree with the purists... it's not tango if it's not tango music... plain and simple... it's not fucking tango so why call it that... a bunch of fucking wannabee tango blasphemers... they give tango a bad name... and repel interested people from the purest form of the art... fucking fuckers...
Sorry... I am pissed... and I am a purist...
Monday, September 17, 2007
ON "NOT" DANCING TANGO [and Tango Etiquette]
It's actually possible for someone to be involved in a tango community for over five years, dance at milongas, attend classes and workshops, and not ever be actually dancing tango. This leader uses a pelvic lead in close embrace. All the women in this community complain, but at the same time, continue to say "yes" and dance with this leader. They say it's because the community is so small, that they have no choice. He gets all the dances he desires, so he has no incentive to change/improve his lead - or even to actually learn how to dance Argentine Tango.
Here is an article by Ney Melo, "Tango Etiquette - The Do's and Don'ts of Inviting", in which he touches on the follower's responsibility to say "no" - he calls it "their power of declining dances and sending messages". See section #6 below... in red text...
It's a touchy subject, a gray area, this concept of bad (truly bad, versus inexperienced) leaders continuing to get all the dances they want. For years and years! I say followers should send a blatant message to these guys. What do you think?
La Nuit Blanche's post "Despair" got me to thinking about this concept that Ney proposes in his article. The rest of the article is very good, too. Here it is...
Tango Etiquette: The Do's and Don'ts of Inviting by Ney Melo [Monday, 07/24/2006]
I have been thinking about writing this article for a long time, after having experienced many humorous and not-so-humorous episodes at the milonga. Many of us get caught up in learning the steps of the tango and then we get to the milonga and we don't know that there are certain unwritten rules about inviting and accepting or declining dances. While the 'cabeceo' - or inviting people to dance with eye contact and a nod - is alive and well in Buenos Aires, we live in North America and as such our customs have to adapt. (It would be great if the cabeceo were used here because it empowers both men and especially women to dance with the partners they most want to dance with. But the thing is, the cabeceo only works when everyone does it.) Therefore, I've put together a list of "rules" that, if somewhat adhered to, will make the milonga enjoyable for men and ladies alike.
1] THE RULE OF THE "FIRST AND LAST "
The first and last tango of the milonga experience have a significant meaning in the mind of a milonguero/a. Ideally, you'd want to start off on the right foot; you'd want to begin dancing with a capable and smooth partner in order to prepare for the long night of dancing that lies ahead.But just as a good partner will raise you to the next level, a horrible partner will knock you down a few notches. The saying among milongueros is that it takes two good partners in a row to knock out the effects of one bad one. Therefore, be careful about who you accept or invite as your firstpartner. The last tanda (a set of tangos) also has a significance. In Buenos Aires, it is said that you usually dance the last tanda with your lover or a potential lover. I take a more casual approach to this rule and I think that one should dance that last tanda with their significant other unless agreedotherwise. If you are single, then it's open game whom to dance with. However if you are dancing with someone whom you know has a significant other at the milonga, and the last tanda is announced, it is a nice courtesy to ask them if they need to go dance with that other person.
2] NO "BABYSITTING"!!!
Typical scenario: a lady is sitting down at a milonga and is approached by a gentleman who then invites her to dance. Rather than reject him outright, she says 'no, not right now', that she is tired, taking a break, waiting for a friend, etc. Instead of walking away, the guy decides to SIT DOWN BESIDE HER and wait for her to be ready to dance with him! This man has just committed what I call "babysitting". I have seen both ladies and gentlemen commit this fiendish act. When someone says no, it means that you should stay away from him/her for a certain period of time. This leads me to the next rule.
3] THE DURATION OF "NO"
After discussing this with many milongueros and milongueras, I've come to the following onclusion. No means "No for a Little While". If you have been rejected, you cannot invite the same person to dance again at the beginning of the next tanda! Only after 2, 5, maybe more tandas later can you consider asking that person to dance again. Don't be a Stalker. Often times the person who rejected you may even track you down to claim that dance later on when they are ready -- that is if they were truly tired in the first place.
4] THE PENALTY BOX
Rejecting someone does bring a consequence along with it. This is the rule that if you reject someone for a tango, you cannot dance that same tango with someone better who comes along. You have to, at least, wait for the next song or preferably for the next tanda. You can think of those minutes of waiting time as being in hockey's "penalty box". Sometimes this is a double-edged sword because let's say you are in the "penalty box" but then a really amazing dancer who never asks you to dance finally asks you. You know that if you turn them down then you may never get your chance again, but if you say yes you will look like a jerk in the eyes of the first personthat asked you (and then THEY may cease asking)! Sometimes you just can't win!
5] CUTTING IN
I've seen old black and white movies where a Clark Gable or an Errol Flynn type will cut in between the beautiful, young starlet of the movie and her lame-duck partner who audiences forget about seconds later. Well, that only happens in the movies. I'm pretty sure that "Cutting in" is banned in all milongas in all the countries in the world. Back when I was a beginner, I once had someone kindly ask me if they could "cut-in". I kindly cursed them and their family in my mind. That's how serious it is! Invitations to dance happen during the cortinas (the minute of ambient music that is played between the tandas) not when 2 people are standing and talking between the songs in a tanda. PERIOD.
6] THE TANDA
A DJ will usually play 3 or 4 songs of the same orchestra or style followed by a one minute cortina. This "set" is called a tanda. It is only when we want to stop dancing with our partner that we say "thank you". Do not make the mistake of saying "thank you" after every tango. Try to wait until the end of the tanda. If we do not wait until the end, then we are conveying a message. Here is a quick breakdown of the "messages":
We danced 4 songs: That was nice/ I enjoyed it/ Let's do it again in the near future, etc. etc.
We danced 3 songs: It was ok/ Sorry, my feet hurt/ Yikes! My ride home is leaving, gotta go!
We danced 2 songs: I've humored you long enough/ You need to take more lessons/ I thought the first bad tango was my fault, but now I see that its your fault.
We danced 1 song: It's just not happening/ Maybe you should just sit and watch for a while/ Please don't ask me to dance at this milonga again.
I truly believe that when women start using their power of declining dances and sending messages, then that is when the leaders will start working to improve their dance. It has to be a system of checks and balances. If we allow mediocre leaders to dance with amazing followers and vice versa, then why would they want to get better? I remember an argument that a friend and I had a long time ago. She was upset because a horrible leader basically manhandled her for a whole tanda and made her look and feel bad. I witnessed the whole thing and I didn't like what this leader did, but I also didn't like that my friend was too nice not to end the carnage early!! Ladies, please use your power to say "no" to bad dances. It is better to sit all night, enjoy the music, and have a good conversation than to be dragged around the milonga floor like Hector was by Achilles after being slain in the movie "Troy". There were many times in my tango infancy that I was rejected by good followers. I never took it personally. It only served to make me better.
I'm not saying you shouldn't dance with beginners. Everyone should do a dance or two with beginners at the milonga and look at it as 'community service' and make them feel welcome. But there is a difference between a beginner, and a bad dancer who just never 'gets it'. There are a number of guys at any given milonga who have been dancing for a long time, they maul the ladies, and they never have any incentive to get better because they get all the dances they want anyway.
7] BE NICE
Rejection is tough to accept. Feelings can be easily hurt. Please take this into consideration when rejecting someone. It might help to approach it as though you are going to break up with someone, making sure not to hurt their feelings but yet not giving them hope for a reunion.
For example:
"Sorry, its not you it’s me"
"Look, I am not in a good place right now, I want to just be alone for a while"
"I just want you to be happy"
"You deserve better"
"I know we danced last night, but that was then, this is now"
For the rejectee, just accept it and move on. It doesn't help to reply:
"But why?"
"Just tell me why"
"Give me one good reason"
"I can change"
"Look, I'll be right here. Let me know if things change"
"But I thought we meant something"
"You suck"
8] TRADING
This is when leaders or followers end the tanda early and then finish it off with someone else. This is bad business. What makes it worse is that in order to facilitate this trade, one usually has to make eye contact and cut a deal with the new partner while still on the dance floor with the original partner! I've seen this happen at the milonga and all I can say is that this is "shady, shady, shady". Like I mentioned in Rule # 5: Invitations to dance should happen during the cortinas (the minute of ambient music that is played between the tandas).
9] THE "DANCE WITH ME NOW" CARD
Every now and then I will be invited by a lady to dance and I will politely refuse because I will be in the process of doing something that prevents me from dancing with her at the moment (getting a drink, taking a rest, on my way to the bathroom to change shirts, etc. etc.) This is when the lady will sometimes pull out the "dance with me now" card by saying "But I'm leaving the milonga in 5 minutes". This makes me uncomfortable because now I feel pressured to dance with her right then and there. What makes matters worse is when I do succumb to the pressure, I dance with the person, and the person DOES NOT LEAVE THE MILONGA! I think a lot of people agree with me when I say that if you are going to use the "dance with me now" card by claiming that you are about to leave, then I better not see you at the coat rack at the same time as me at the end of the night.
Also, resist the urge to use excessive force when asking for a dance, i.e. grabbing your target and dragging him or her to the floor while exclaiming "Let's dance! Let's dance!" You should give the other person a choice of whether or not to dance with you, being polite and civilized about it. Bottom line: The dance is not enjoyable if the inviter (male or female) pressures the invitee. People want to dance out of pleasure, not duty.
10] THE BARE FOOT "WHITE FLAG"
Because rejection can be hard to take, one method devised by some ladies of communicating to the men that they are not accepting invitations at the moment is to take their shoes off. This serves as 'proof' that they really are taking a break, should anyone ask them. All they have to do is raise up the bare foot 'white flag'. They can rest the balls of their feet from those 4 inch heels and not get hassled by potential dance partners. (On the flip side, they can also make a guy feel great if they do decide to dance when asked and say 'let me put my shoes back on for you'.)
10] BE PERCEPTIVE
Pay attention to your potential partner's body language when you are getting ready to ask them for a dance. There are non-verbal signals that you should try to clue in to. Gentlemen, if you are headed towards a woman and she sees you and quickly turns away, reaches down to fiddle with her shoe strap, digs in her purse endlessly - it means she DOESN'T WANT TO DANCE. If she even jumps up and heads for the ladies room, don't pursue her and grab her shoulder as she flees thinking 'maybe she didn't see me'. If she notices you and maintains eye contact, or smiles, or waves, or in general looks pleased that you are headed her way, then by all means ask her! If you are not sure, go over and say hello, and judge by her reaction whether she wants to dance.
You can look around the room as well and guess which people are wanting to dance. If they are sitting or standing right by the dance floor, looking intently and wistfully at the dancers, looking around to catch the attention of potential partners, etc, then they are most certainly available. If they are sitting with all their attention focused on their companion, deep in conversation, eating, enjoying a drink and looking otherwise very comfortable where they are, approach with caution. See if you can catch their eye. If they look away, then save your invitation for later. Yes, this is a version of the cabeceo. If someone is in the midst of an animated conversation, do not hang around in the periphery of their vision, tapping your foot, waiting for the split-second when they pause for breath to interject your invitation. Ask someone else.
12] ASK PERMISSION
Maybe some people will think this is very old-fashioned but I think it is nice: When you approach a couple who are dating or married and they are sitting together, it is nice to 'ask permission' of the other when you want to ask one of them to dance. Often it is the man asking the other man for 'permission' to dance with his lady. This is not because the man 'owns' the woman or because the woman needs her date's permission. It is simply showing the courtesy of acknowledging the other human at the table when you come to take their companion away. I think it is rude to come up to a couple and ask one person without even saying 'hello' or 'excuse me' or 'may I?' to the other. This rule of course only applies if the couple is actually seated together. And this rule also applies to women asking permission of another woman to dance with her man. Ladies, if a gentleman is standing with his arm around his significant other and you come up and ask him, make sure to greet both people, don't just grab him and drag him away. Yes, this happens, and yes it is rude.
Most of these rules may seem like they shouldn't need to be laid out, but you would be surprised. Anytime someone violates these rules, its because they are letting their ego get the best of them. In the end, we are all tango music lovers and we all love to dance, and we all must learn to get along at the milonga. Being aware of, sensitive to, and in tune with another person are what partner dancing is all about. Use these skills off the dance floor as well as on.
Here is an article by Ney Melo, "Tango Etiquette - The Do's and Don'ts of Inviting", in which he touches on the follower's responsibility to say "no" - he calls it "their power of declining dances and sending messages". See section #6 below... in red text...
It's a touchy subject, a gray area, this concept of bad (truly bad, versus inexperienced) leaders continuing to get all the dances they want. For years and years! I say followers should send a blatant message to these guys. What do you think?
La Nuit Blanche's post "Despair" got me to thinking about this concept that Ney proposes in his article. The rest of the article is very good, too. Here it is...
Tango Etiquette: The Do's and Don'ts of Inviting by Ney Melo [Monday, 07/24/2006]
I have been thinking about writing this article for a long time, after having experienced many humorous and not-so-humorous episodes at the milonga. Many of us get caught up in learning the steps of the tango and then we get to the milonga and we don't know that there are certain unwritten rules about inviting and accepting or declining dances. While the 'cabeceo' - or inviting people to dance with eye contact and a nod - is alive and well in Buenos Aires, we live in North America and as such our customs have to adapt. (It would be great if the cabeceo were used here because it empowers both men and especially women to dance with the partners they most want to dance with. But the thing is, the cabeceo only works when everyone does it.) Therefore, I've put together a list of "rules" that, if somewhat adhered to, will make the milonga enjoyable for men and ladies alike.
1] THE RULE OF THE "FIRST AND LAST "
The first and last tango of the milonga experience have a significant meaning in the mind of a milonguero/a. Ideally, you'd want to start off on the right foot; you'd want to begin dancing with a capable and smooth partner in order to prepare for the long night of dancing that lies ahead.But just as a good partner will raise you to the next level, a horrible partner will knock you down a few notches. The saying among milongueros is that it takes two good partners in a row to knock out the effects of one bad one. Therefore, be careful about who you accept or invite as your firstpartner. The last tanda (a set of tangos) also has a significance. In Buenos Aires, it is said that you usually dance the last tanda with your lover or a potential lover. I take a more casual approach to this rule and I think that one should dance that last tanda with their significant other unless agreedotherwise. If you are single, then it's open game whom to dance with. However if you are dancing with someone whom you know has a significant other at the milonga, and the last tanda is announced, it is a nice courtesy to ask them if they need to go dance with that other person.
2] NO "BABYSITTING"!!!
Typical scenario: a lady is sitting down at a milonga and is approached by a gentleman who then invites her to dance. Rather than reject him outright, she says 'no, not right now', that she is tired, taking a break, waiting for a friend, etc. Instead of walking away, the guy decides to SIT DOWN BESIDE HER and wait for her to be ready to dance with him! This man has just committed what I call "babysitting". I have seen both ladies and gentlemen commit this fiendish act. When someone says no, it means that you should stay away from him/her for a certain period of time. This leads me to the next rule.
3] THE DURATION OF "NO"
After discussing this with many milongueros and milongueras, I've come to the following onclusion. No means "No for a Little While". If you have been rejected, you cannot invite the same person to dance again at the beginning of the next tanda! Only after 2, 5, maybe more tandas later can you consider asking that person to dance again. Don't be a Stalker. Often times the person who rejected you may even track you down to claim that dance later on when they are ready -- that is if they were truly tired in the first place.
4] THE PENALTY BOX
Rejecting someone does bring a consequence along with it. This is the rule that if you reject someone for a tango, you cannot dance that same tango with someone better who comes along. You have to, at least, wait for the next song or preferably for the next tanda. You can think of those minutes of waiting time as being in hockey's "penalty box". Sometimes this is a double-edged sword because let's say you are in the "penalty box" but then a really amazing dancer who never asks you to dance finally asks you. You know that if you turn them down then you may never get your chance again, but if you say yes you will look like a jerk in the eyes of the first personthat asked you (and then THEY may cease asking)! Sometimes you just can't win!
5] CUTTING IN
I've seen old black and white movies where a Clark Gable or an Errol Flynn type will cut in between the beautiful, young starlet of the movie and her lame-duck partner who audiences forget about seconds later. Well, that only happens in the movies. I'm pretty sure that "Cutting in" is banned in all milongas in all the countries in the world. Back when I was a beginner, I once had someone kindly ask me if they could "cut-in". I kindly cursed them and their family in my mind. That's how serious it is! Invitations to dance happen during the cortinas (the minute of ambient music that is played between the tandas) not when 2 people are standing and talking between the songs in a tanda. PERIOD.
6] THE TANDA
A DJ will usually play 3 or 4 songs of the same orchestra or style followed by a one minute cortina. This "set" is called a tanda. It is only when we want to stop dancing with our partner that we say "thank you". Do not make the mistake of saying "thank you" after every tango. Try to wait until the end of the tanda. If we do not wait until the end, then we are conveying a message. Here is a quick breakdown of the "messages":
We danced 4 songs: That was nice/ I enjoyed it/ Let's do it again in the near future, etc. etc.
We danced 3 songs: It was ok/ Sorry, my feet hurt/ Yikes! My ride home is leaving, gotta go!
We danced 2 songs: I've humored you long enough/ You need to take more lessons/ I thought the first bad tango was my fault, but now I see that its your fault.
We danced 1 song: It's just not happening/ Maybe you should just sit and watch for a while/ Please don't ask me to dance at this milonga again.
I truly believe that when women start using their power of declining dances and sending messages, then that is when the leaders will start working to improve their dance. It has to be a system of checks and balances. If we allow mediocre leaders to dance with amazing followers and vice versa, then why would they want to get better? I remember an argument that a friend and I had a long time ago. She was upset because a horrible leader basically manhandled her for a whole tanda and made her look and feel bad. I witnessed the whole thing and I didn't like what this leader did, but I also didn't like that my friend was too nice not to end the carnage early!! Ladies, please use your power to say "no" to bad dances. It is better to sit all night, enjoy the music, and have a good conversation than to be dragged around the milonga floor like Hector was by Achilles after being slain in the movie "Troy". There were many times in my tango infancy that I was rejected by good followers. I never took it personally. It only served to make me better.
I'm not saying you shouldn't dance with beginners. Everyone should do a dance or two with beginners at the milonga and look at it as 'community service' and make them feel welcome. But there is a difference between a beginner, and a bad dancer who just never 'gets it'. There are a number of guys at any given milonga who have been dancing for a long time, they maul the ladies, and they never have any incentive to get better because they get all the dances they want anyway.
7] BE NICE
Rejection is tough to accept. Feelings can be easily hurt. Please take this into consideration when rejecting someone. It might help to approach it as though you are going to break up with someone, making sure not to hurt their feelings but yet not giving them hope for a reunion.
For example:
"Sorry, its not you it’s me"
"Look, I am not in a good place right now, I want to just be alone for a while"
"I just want you to be happy"
"You deserve better"
"I know we danced last night, but that was then, this is now"
For the rejectee, just accept it and move on. It doesn't help to reply:
"But why?"
"Just tell me why"
"Give me one good reason"
"I can change"
"Look, I'll be right here. Let me know if things change"
"But I thought we meant something"
"You suck"
8] TRADING
This is when leaders or followers end the tanda early and then finish it off with someone else. This is bad business. What makes it worse is that in order to facilitate this trade, one usually has to make eye contact and cut a deal with the new partner while still on the dance floor with the original partner! I've seen this happen at the milonga and all I can say is that this is "shady, shady, shady". Like I mentioned in Rule # 5: Invitations to dance should happen during the cortinas (the minute of ambient music that is played between the tandas).
9] THE "DANCE WITH ME NOW" CARD
Every now and then I will be invited by a lady to dance and I will politely refuse because I will be in the process of doing something that prevents me from dancing with her at the moment (getting a drink, taking a rest, on my way to the bathroom to change shirts, etc. etc.) This is when the lady will sometimes pull out the "dance with me now" card by saying "But I'm leaving the milonga in 5 minutes". This makes me uncomfortable because now I feel pressured to dance with her right then and there. What makes matters worse is when I do succumb to the pressure, I dance with the person, and the person DOES NOT LEAVE THE MILONGA! I think a lot of people agree with me when I say that if you are going to use the "dance with me now" card by claiming that you are about to leave, then I better not see you at the coat rack at the same time as me at the end of the night.
Also, resist the urge to use excessive force when asking for a dance, i.e. grabbing your target and dragging him or her to the floor while exclaiming "Let's dance! Let's dance!" You should give the other person a choice of whether or not to dance with you, being polite and civilized about it. Bottom line: The dance is not enjoyable if the inviter (male or female) pressures the invitee. People want to dance out of pleasure, not duty.
10] THE BARE FOOT "WHITE FLAG"
Because rejection can be hard to take, one method devised by some ladies of communicating to the men that they are not accepting invitations at the moment is to take their shoes off. This serves as 'proof' that they really are taking a break, should anyone ask them. All they have to do is raise up the bare foot 'white flag'. They can rest the balls of their feet from those 4 inch heels and not get hassled by potential dance partners. (On the flip side, they can also make a guy feel great if they do decide to dance when asked and say 'let me put my shoes back on for you'.)
10] BE PERCEPTIVE
Pay attention to your potential partner's body language when you are getting ready to ask them for a dance. There are non-verbal signals that you should try to clue in to. Gentlemen, if you are headed towards a woman and she sees you and quickly turns away, reaches down to fiddle with her shoe strap, digs in her purse endlessly - it means she DOESN'T WANT TO DANCE. If she even jumps up and heads for the ladies room, don't pursue her and grab her shoulder as she flees thinking 'maybe she didn't see me'. If she notices you and maintains eye contact, or smiles, or waves, or in general looks pleased that you are headed her way, then by all means ask her! If you are not sure, go over and say hello, and judge by her reaction whether she wants to dance.
You can look around the room as well and guess which people are wanting to dance. If they are sitting or standing right by the dance floor, looking intently and wistfully at the dancers, looking around to catch the attention of potential partners, etc, then they are most certainly available. If they are sitting with all their attention focused on their companion, deep in conversation, eating, enjoying a drink and looking otherwise very comfortable where they are, approach with caution. See if you can catch their eye. If they look away, then save your invitation for later. Yes, this is a version of the cabeceo. If someone is in the midst of an animated conversation, do not hang around in the periphery of their vision, tapping your foot, waiting for the split-second when they pause for breath to interject your invitation. Ask someone else.
12] ASK PERMISSION
Maybe some people will think this is very old-fashioned but I think it is nice: When you approach a couple who are dating or married and they are sitting together, it is nice to 'ask permission' of the other when you want to ask one of them to dance. Often it is the man asking the other man for 'permission' to dance with his lady. This is not because the man 'owns' the woman or because the woman needs her date's permission. It is simply showing the courtesy of acknowledging the other human at the table when you come to take their companion away. I think it is rude to come up to a couple and ask one person without even saying 'hello' or 'excuse me' or 'may I?' to the other. This rule of course only applies if the couple is actually seated together. And this rule also applies to women asking permission of another woman to dance with her man. Ladies, if a gentleman is standing with his arm around his significant other and you come up and ask him, make sure to greet both people, don't just grab him and drag him away. Yes, this happens, and yes it is rude.
Most of these rules may seem like they shouldn't need to be laid out, but you would be surprised. Anytime someone violates these rules, its because they are letting their ego get the best of them. In the end, we are all tango music lovers and we all love to dance, and we all must learn to get along at the milonga. Being aware of, sensitive to, and in tune with another person are what partner dancing is all about. Use these skills off the dance floor as well as on.
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