Posted just now on a tango discussion forum thread...a new (6 month) leader who is having trouble staying relaxed, beating himself up after making mistakes, that then effects the rest of the song/tanda...here is what I offered:
Hola Warren!
Hang in there brother!
We were all beginners once, and can all empathize with where you are right now in tango. I'm nearing the end of my 14th year of tango. I started out and lasted 6-8 months and quit, then came back a few months later. Those first couple of years I remember thinking about quitting frequently. Looking back, my inner voice was way too negative - "self-downing" I think they call it. What helped me was falling into a small group (of five - 2 leads, 3 followers) of beginners who would support each other and practice together outside of class and practicas. We were lucky in our small town - we could use our (public building) class space after-hours to practice. There were times that I went there and practiced by myself - just walking, and doing a few exercises from classes. The other leader and I called it "air tango". Practice, even alone, helps with musicality, balance, etc. The "etc." is what one of my early teachers - Tom Stermitz in Denver - referred to as "the quality and character of movement through time and space - to the music". (But don't think of quality in our default western "good better best" vein. That's not what he meant. Quality as in qualities, attributes, the nature of the thing. Qualitative.)
Other thoughts:
I think others in the thread have mentioned trying to quiet the inner negative dialog - the self-downing. Try to be easier on yourself. More forgiving. Laugh it off when you catch yourself screwing up (internally, not audibly). I got into a bad habit of saying "oops" out loud when I would screw up. Avoid that. It took me too long to break it. Perhaps an "ah" (in your inner voice) when you make a mistake. Perhaps rise up, floating above yourself, in an "observer" role. "Ah, that was a mistake." Step into the observer role, versus the critic/al role. Observe yourself in your mind's eye and just note the mistake and move on. Don't dwell on it. Keep an inventory of things you need to work on - or perhaps get help correcting it with a teacher. Again, don't dwell on it. Be aware of that inner dialog, and inner observer - if he is being too chatty or distracting - then shut it down. Focus on the music and your partner. Just dance. Just walk.
The walk, and the embrace. 90% of tango imho. Well maybe 60%, with the other 30% being musicality. 10% is the "happy horseshit", as one of my teachers called it. Nail your embrace, nail your walk, then the musicality manifest/bloom over time.
Try to enlist someone to practice with you once or twice a week. Practice every other day for 20-30 minutes by yourself. Okay, even 10-15 minutes. 9 minutes. Three songs.
Work on your balance. You should be able to stand on one foot and tie your shoe - standing like a stork. I notice my balance deteriorating when I'm not dancing much. Practice exercises will help strengthen your foot, ankle and lower leg muscles, and improve your balance in the process. Balance being all the mechanisms in your inner ear/brain/eyesight that *can be improved upon.
Listen to really good tango music as much as you can. Get someone to help you with a play list of the "really good". In my third year, I listened to nothing but tango music for a year. For the past 10 years it's about 30-50% of what I listen to. Visualize yourself dancing to your favorite songs.
Video yourself dancing. It will be painful to watch, but don't judge yourself too harshly. This is probably the most difficult dance we could have chosen to endeavor to learn. Pat yourself on the back for that. Or as they say, "you don't choose tango, tango chooses you". I remember when I did it for the first time and watched the video - it was "what the hell is your foot doing way over there!?" Painful, but helpful.
What else? Ah. I'm not sure when I started doing this - but I began "transporting" myself back to the Golden Age. The 1930's and 1940's. Visualizing myself dancing with my partner in a milonga in Buenos Aires, with a live orchestra, with all of the people around us, in a beautiful venue - a complete picture of dancing in that time. Vicarious zeitgeist, I suppose. That has helped me, and I still do this frequently. The cigarette smoke never bothers me. :)
Also, impeccable floorcraft and navigation. Know the concepts of good floorcraft. Google around to find it. Do your best to force yourself to infuse your dance with impeccable floorcraft. "Sheer force of will" as I like to say. Do it even when there are only three couples on the dance floor.
And codigos. The codigos came into being over the past eighty plus years. They work.
And cabeceo. I suck at it after all this time, but I'm getting better.
Also. Be quiet. Be still. You don't have to be moving all the time. Stand there and let the beats and phrases pass you by.
Breathe.
Cherish and respect and protect your partner. Dance for her. No, that's not it. Focus on her, on her dance, on what her experience is with you on the dance floor. This one is esoteric/nebulous/difficult to explain. She will feel it if you do it right.
I know you're thinking "I can't think about all this other stuff, I'm focused on just leading her to the cross!". I remember being laser focused on all the basic vocabulary/elements. There's a lot going on around us, and a lot of brain activity going on. It can be stressful. I remember struggling to just pull off those basics - not even able to complete a phrase or a sentence, much less a paragraph. It will come, my friend. It will come.
Patience. Fortitude. Give yourself a break if you need it - take a month off. Go easy on yourself. Water off the duck's back, the Taoist approach. Forgive yourself for making mistakes. Mistakes are how we learn this thing called tango. Try the observer role versus the critic role. Turn off (or turn down) the self-downing negative inner dialog. Observe the mistake, note it, work on it. Most importantly immediately forget it and dance through it - don't let it mess with your head, or the current song, or the tanda.
Know that it ("it" being the improvement) does come in time. "It" being your tango. "It" being El Tango. It's inevitable. With practice, and with dancing, it will come.
To close out, I love Dan Boccia's definition of the "tango trance". “The state of being so completely immersed in the music, and so profoundly connected to your partner, that movement flows from within the partnership uninhibited by conscious thought.” This can and does happen. For me, it has been rare. My first was in my 2nd year, as I recall. I think this is what we in tango aspire to - that fleeting tango trance. It's a profound and beautiful thing. Unforgettable. (Dan is a dancer and DJ from Anchorage, AK...)
I hope this helps. Hang in there.
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