From Katerina Dmitrieva on Facebook:
Gentlemen's guide for Tango.*
Disclaimer: Like everything in life this can be used for good and evil/manipulation.
It is based on my own experiences and talks I had. I had bad experiences but still I hope and believe Tango is a beautiful dance to let us be in the present moment TOGETHER. With your partner and as a whole. For our shared love of Tango. ❤️
These are ideas from a followers perspective, do what you want with them. I love same sex dancers but the following is about male lead and female follower perspective.
Tango is part of my life, my ritual, I work for it. And with certain things only a Tango person will understand you.
Consent is always key, in dance can be both; verbal & non-verbal.
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So here are examples of things I found pleasant and unpleasant - tastes may vary.
A bit of humour when things go wrong. You never know of tired feet in heels, floor dynamics (needing energy to balance out the slippery ones or needing to push more when they are sticky/dry) or even comfort of follower.
For instance first tandas scare me and you can tell 😆🫣
Offer the arm or hand to guide to dancefloor. If she doesn't want accept instantly.
Breath together. At start, in between, at the end. Never too much! And please without loud sounds...
Breathe to indicate movement can be nice. Not everyone likes bellybreath, it's a tool.
So you have your fan, it is so nice when you use it for the two of you in small break between songs.
Compliments. (Definitely from both sides!) Like the connection/quality of energy/dress/perfume/earrings/details
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Just for the sake of it, to make the other feel good, to relax, not necessarily for flirting.
Leaving space to express & be playful, waiting. Tango is no monologue.
Personally when I don't know you and we dance for the first time I don't apprechiate many ganchos. Especially the super aggressive ones (knees are joints that can get hurt) or when it gets messy...
No need to show off/having this much strong contact. *Leader's thigh in follower's crotch is not acceptable!* Better give the lady room to express and choose the level of closeness she wants for upper body and lower extremities.
Embrace can have different qualities, but never a rigid cage.
If the lady wants, hold her at the end of tanda. Never a cage-like hold (especially when she already gives subtle signs of wanting out, let it be)! Maybe the woman needs space to collect herself. Me for instance need time to breath, cool down, fix dress/hair. I know it can break a connection. That right afterwards can be established again.
If follower says floor is slippery/she says she is tired please adapt a bit.
I love it to be offered the arm to walk back. More for bigger venues/marathon setting.
Talk to each other more. Before or after tandas or in between songs. A way to connect also through words.
Don't take perceived rejection personal.
Tango can be cruel. Go to where they accept you, never on purpose put you down and in best case celebrate you. 🥳 Find your crowd.
People will talk s* about you anyway. It is a mirror for themselves. Some people are two-faced and act selfish. You know your worth.
Last one: Gentlemen be gentlemen towards each other. No need to show dominance or neglect by invading the others space in the ronda.
To see a man waiting to be allowed in the ronda & the other accepting, I always find it so pleasent. Apologizing with signals for little accidents (immediate or if not possible after the tanda) and laughing about it, I find it so attractive.
-> Have decent behaviour. To summarize ☺️
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Here are the unpleasant things, some examples:
Crossing lines like touching breasts or butt is no option. Obviously. But also a VERY low hand that reaches lower back/beginning of butt.
Listen to non-verbal signs... Follower is getting heavy to make you wait, getting lighter or more in cranial direction to indicate needing more lightness. If she does not do a move, adapt to it and not keep repeating because she did not 'understand'. Maybe she didn't want to (like mentioned in case with ganchos).
It's not forbidden of course but if she speaks up verbally indicating she is/her feet are tired please adapt. Maybe during the dance she finds back her energy but don't rush into super energetic/strong lead. (Different followers need different leads, happens that men lead super strong because their less experienced followers need it, also personal preferences. But never ever push so joints get in danger of being hurt 🫣)
Please do never talk about how close is your hotel room. Just don't.
Never ever correct verbally in milonga. We all know that.
Big kisses directly on the cheek can be too much (while greeting or after tanda) and not received well when they are forced.
I would avoid to check the cleavage and then compliment the necklace. Appears creepy.
Avoid 'compliments' like 'You look good enough to bite into' or directly ask: 'Where can I bite you?'. It's giving creep also.
Don't create drama or avoid a person only because your ego was hurt. We can oftentimes still say Hi, also without necessary hugging.
Final notes:
We as women take ourselves dancing & love to dance with you. So we all can work towards a pleasant experience for everyone.
Would love to hear your opinions & would love also the leaders' perspective. Public in the comments or pm.
It can be dangerous to give people the benefit of a doubt, if you felt uncomfortable please talk to a Tango friend or organizer and if you want to the person. Ask them if they want to understand & give a chance for repair.
I heard that f.e. instance in France is a strong feminist movement so that men feel scared to even do things like offer the arm to walk back to avoid crossing boundaries. I support this movement AND at the same time would love to have a careful way to treat each other without 'fear of each other'.
Sometimes it is so subtle and hard to put in words the feeling when a men is crossing the line but addressing the issue can help.
I had cases where men did not behave like gentlemen, I made the offer to explain and in the end it was out of the world/better.
I believe we all make mistakes and we can learn from them. Sometimes you are truly not aware of these things. And sometimes you are and decide to behave that way anyway. There are men that love women. There are men who hate women.
Take care 🎀
*Because a real man is gentle and knows how to lead.
He knows what he wants & has self-control. 😉😘
Sent from my iPhone
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