Adam's Note To Leaders (on giving unsolicited feedback)

This is what prompted my poll in the prior post. Hat tip to Daniel Boardman - organizer of the Albuquerque Tango Festival.

From Adam Cornett's Blog:

https://tangowithadam.com/adams-note-to-tango-leaders/

Every week one of my students comes to our private lesson with “feedback.” The feedback she tells me about is the feedback that numerous leaders in the community have been giving her. For many weeks I just answered her questions regarding the feedback (often times I was telling her that the feedback is wrong, because it has been) but today I asked her “how do you get all this feedback from these leaders, do you ask for it?” Her answer “sometimes but usually not.”

I mentioned this to Tilly and told her how surprised I was at how many leaders are giving this follower feedback and Tilly’s first comment was “that’s just part of being a follower.” She didn’t mean this as “that’s what makes followers good,” she meant it as “that’s a sad realization that followers have to put up with.” Tilly herself dealt with this for years when she was trying to be a part of the Boston tango community but quit multiple times because she as creeped out.

Here is my suggestion to leaders: STOP IT!!!

There is no reason why you should be giving this feedback. I watch so many leaders try to teach followers on the dance floor, STOP IT!!!

First: It is completely disrespectful to the follower. You are assuming that you are better than she is, which may not be the case.

Second: You are not the best judge of your own abilities. Often times if a follower is doing something wrong it is because your own problems are being amplified through her body and you are actually seeing your own problems. A true test of your own skill as a leader is to dance with a beginner and have her successfully move on the dance floor with you without saying a word. Showing/teaching her the new gancho (or anything for that matter) you just learned from youtube (or in a class but most likely not because you are now too good to continue your education) is ridiculous .

Third: You are scaring off our new followers. So often I see old men (and some young men) prey on the youngest and newest dancers to the community. There is nothing wrong with large age gaps in dancers. One of my favorite dancers in the world is Lyne Laflamme. Although I don’t know her age, our age difference is relative to this point. If you are much older than that early 20 something follower walking in for her first or second time and you feel it necessary to teach her how to dance allowing you access to her for 3-5 tandas, you’re being creepy, STOP IT!!!

Fourth: Leaders, when talking to an advanced follower stop comparing her to anything else but herself. She is not a porsche, lamborghini, volkswagen or any other car, or any other item. If you MUST say something, tell her “you are such a wonderful dancer,” a leave it at that.

While I’m at it (and these are actually complaints I’ve heard from women over the years): shower, wear deodorant, don’t push your package on her, don’t kiss her, don’t touch her inappropriately (grabbing areas that are not part of the dance), don’t put her hand on your parts, don’t sing in her ear, don’t assume that it’s always the other guys fault when you two bump, stay in your lane, don’t get within a dancers width of the couple in front of you, don’t dance around the room without your embrace (tango without hands or chest) expecting your follower to read your body language as a connection, and last but not least USE THE CABECEO (see awkward picture of me up top, don’t do that).

Advice to a new tango leader

Posted just now on a tango discussion forum thread...a new (6 month) leader who is having trouble staying relaxed, beating himself up after making mistakes, that then effects the rest of the song/tanda...here is what I offered:

Hola Warren!



Hang in there brother!



We were all beginners once, and can all empathize with where you are right now in tango. I'm nearing the end of my 14th year of tango. I started out and lasted 6-8 months and quit, then came back a few months later. Those first couple of years I remember thinking about quitting frequently. Looking back, my inner voice was way too negative - "self-downing" I think they call it. What helped me was falling into a small group (of five - 2 leads, 3 followers) of beginners who would support each other and practice together outside of class and practicas. We were lucky in our small town - we could use our (public building) class space after-hours to practice. There were times that I went there and practiced by myself - just walking, and doing a few exercises from classes. The other leader and I called it "air tango". Practice, even alone, helps with musicality, balance, etc. The "etc." is what one of my early teachers - Tom Stermitz in Denver - referred to as "the quality and character of movement through time and space - to the music". (But don't think of quality in our default western "good better best" vein. That's not what he meant. Quality as in qualities, attributes, the nature of the thing. Qualitative.)



Other thoughts:



I think others in the thread have mentioned trying to quiet the inner negative dialog - the self-downing. Try to be easier on yourself. More forgiving. Laugh it off when you catch yourself screwing up (internally, not audibly). I got into a bad habit of saying "oops" out loud when I would screw up. Avoid that. It took me too long to break it. Perhaps an "ah" (in your inner voice) when you make a mistake. Perhaps rise up, floating above yourself, in an "observer" role. "Ah, that was a mistake." Step into the observer role, versus the critic/al role. Observe yourself in your mind's eye and just note the mistake and move on. Don't dwell on it. Keep an inventory of things you need to work on - or perhaps get help correcting it with a teacher. Again, don't dwell on it. Be aware of that inner dialog, and inner observer - if he is being too chatty or distracting - then shut it down. Focus on the music and your partner. Just dance. Just walk.



The walk, and the embrace. 90% of tango imho. Well maybe 60%, with the other 30% being musicality. 10% is the "happy horseshit", as one of my teachers called it. Nail your embrace, nail your walk, then the musicality manifest/bloom over time.



Try to enlist someone to practice with you once or twice a week. Practice every other day for 20-30 minutes by yourself. Okay, even 10-15 minutes. 9 minutes. Three songs.



Work on your balance. You should be able to stand on one foot and tie your shoe - standing like a stork. I notice my balance deteriorating when I'm not dancing much. Practice exercises will help strengthen your foot, ankle and lower leg muscles, and improve your balance in the process. Balance being all the mechanisms in your inner ear/brain/eyesight that *can be improved upon.



Listen to really good tango music as much as you can. Get someone to help you with a play list of the "really good". In my third year, I listened to nothing but tango music for a year. For the past 10 years it's about 30-50% of what I listen to. Visualize yourself dancing to your favorite songs.



Video yourself dancing. It will be painful to watch, but don't judge yourself too harshly. This is probably the most difficult dance we could have chosen to endeavor to learn. Pat yourself on the back for that. Or as they say, "you don't choose tango, tango chooses you". I remember when I did it for the first time and watched the video - it was "what the hell is your foot doing way over there!?" Painful, but helpful.



What else? Ah. I'm not sure when I started doing this - but I began "transporting" myself back to the Golden Age. The 1930's and 1940's. Visualizing myself dancing with my partner in a milonga in Buenos Aires, with a live orchestra, with all of the people around us, in a beautiful venue - a complete picture of dancing in that time. Vicarious zeitgeist, I suppose. That has helped me, and I still do this frequently. The cigarette smoke never bothers me. :)



Also, impeccable floorcraft and navigation. Know the concepts of good floorcraft. Google around to find it. Do your best to force yourself to infuse your dance with impeccable floorcraft. "Sheer force of will" as I like to say. Do it even when there are only three couples on the dance floor.



And codigos. The codigos came into being over the past eighty plus years. They work.



And cabeceo. I suck at it after all this time, but I'm getting better.



Also. Be quiet. Be still. You don't have to be moving all the time. Stand there and let the beats and phrases pass you by.



Breathe.



Cherish and respect and protect your partner. Dance for her. No, that's not it. Focus on her, on her dance, on what her experience is with you on the dance floor. This one is esoteric/nebulous/difficult to explain. She will feel it if you do it right.



I know you're thinking "I can't think about all this other stuff, I'm focused on just leading her to the cross!". I remember being laser focused on all the basic vocabulary/elements. There's a lot going on around us, and a lot of brain activity going on. It can be stressful. I remember struggling to just pull off those basics - not even able to complete a phrase or a sentence, much less a paragraph. It will come, my friend. It will come.



Patience. Fortitude. Give yourself a break if you need it - take a month off. Go easy on yourself. Water off the duck's back, the Taoist approach. Forgive yourself for making mistakes. Mistakes are how we learn this thing called tango. Try the observer role versus the critic role. Turn off (or turn down) the self-downing negative inner dialog. Observe the mistake, note it, work on it. Most importantly immediately forget it and dance through it - don't let it mess with your head, or the current song, or the tanda.



Know that it ("it" being the improvement) does come in time. "It" being your tango. "It" being El Tango. It's inevitable. With practice, and with dancing, it will come.



To close out, I love Dan Boccia's definition of the "tango trance". “The state of being so completely immersed in the music, and so profoundly connected to your partner, that movement flows from within the partnership uninhibited by conscious thought.” This can and does happen. For me, it has been rare. My first was in my 2nd year, as I recall. I think this is what we in tango aspire to - that fleeting tango trance. It's a profound and beautiful thing. Unforgettable. (Dan is a dancer and DJ from Anchorage, AK...)



I hope this helps. Hang in there.