So I'm reading an article about the new Breaking Bad film "El Camino" and they mention something about a guy who wears a kilt all the time, but no one knows why. And voila, out pops (or more accurately "up from the bubblin' crude") this little gem from Alex's brain: "I wonder if anyone has ever danced tango in a kilt?"
This was the best I could come up with - or the best Google could come up with: (although read to the very bottom of this post for the reason behind the "Piazzolla" tag)
And then there is this from Tango-L:
Date: Wed, 24 Mar 2004 15:35:33 -0600
From: Gibson Batch
Subject: Tango in a Kilt
OK tango-L, after securing a prior 'nice response' promise from one Tango-L
recipient, I am taking a risk in writing to you again ;-)
Tango in a Kilt:
I have danced Tango in my kilt on several occasions in the last year. I
perform Scottish Country dancing regularly in the Twin Cities and don't have
time to change before a milonga- or it is too much trouble to do so (kilts
weigh several pounds and are a mess to carry around).
OK, the lasses loved the dance - even if I did opt to take off the sporran.
But the most surprising responses were from the MEN in the group. I expect
'men in dress' remarks in general public, but the Tango men seemed to have
more rude comments that I was used to.
I have to say to those men who want to Tango with a kilt, go for it. But do
so with caution (and wear a little eye liner if you do, wink wink).
On the plus side of my kilted milongas, several of my fellow men dancers
have come to me afterwards with favorable comments. I have had several
inquiries about where they too can purchase one of those heavenly garments
(answer: lots of places, but they are expensive).
No you don't have to be Scottish to buy a kilt, but it helps to be in shape
and to have a family plaid you can call upon. Mine plaid is Campbell - the
dreaded enemy of most other clans and hated by the Jacobites - and sole
friends to the king of England (gasp).
But when mixing the lovely blue/green/black pleated plaid and white leggings
(and pen knife) with dim lights and Tango music, the kilt is something I
feel very proud to wear.
Scots are worldwide - I've read over 200 million of us claim Scottish
descent, with only about 2 million actually living in Scotland.
But how is the Scottish scene in Argentina? There are lots of Scots in
Spain, Canada, Australia and the US. I suspect there are lots in Argentina
as well.
I wonder if the Argentinean/Scottish men go to milongas in a kilt on
occasion.
Just food for thought - since the subject came up and people seem to be
hedging on politeness on Tango-L. May we continue to be polite, even if you
disagree.
Zorro in Minneapolis
Find a broadband plan that fits. Great local deals on high-speed Internet
access.
Date: Wed, 24 Mar 2004 17:18:12 -0400
From: Keith Elshaw
Subject: Tango in a Kilt
Zorro, yours was a post to remember. Thanks for the chuckle.
As I follow regularly because there are so many women who lead well where I
live (I also enjoy being allowed to close my eyes when dancing for a change)
I believe the kilt option for me would be way over the top. Guess it's the
lack of Scottish blood in me.
So, would you follow wearing your kilt - or would you all of a sudden find
time and energy to change before the milonga? (Not a serious question).
Are there any bagpipe recordings of Adios Nonino? La Cumparsita?
Kilt and bagpipe milonga theme night. What a concept.
k
Date: Wed, 24 Mar 2004 17:36:32 -0400
From: Keith Elshaw
Subject: Kilts P.S.
There is a photo in the Piazzolla Memoirs of him proudly wearing a kilt - so
don't laugh.
Curious, I clicked on the link, only to be disappointed beyond disbelief. Lame. Really lame bordering on asinine and an insult to any man's intelligence. More mindboggling-ly-ness-ish. Whatever. The fuck.
So, I thought I would come up with my own "Gifts for the Man in Your Life" as alternates to the selections from Cosmo.
Here ya go...as always, would the two of you readers please let me know what you think? Thanks in advance!
Happy Holidays, bah humbug, and Joy to the World. Seriously, and not necessarily in that order.
Cosmopolitan Magazine: Dirty Joke Book AlexTangoFuego: The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida
Sidenote: Gentlemen tell funny jokes, not dirty jokes. I have remembered only one joke over the years, and it works every time. Told only when the rare and appropriate opportunity presents itself.
Cosmopolitan Magazine: Jack Robie Men's Shirt [$115] AlexTangoFuego: Ike Behar White Dress Shirt with French Cuffs (or a Lucky Brand Cowboy Shirt with pearl snaps as an alternate)
Sidenote: Only so he can now wear the killer one-of-a-kind cufflinks you searched the world over to find. And yes, even a hillbilly like me can find an opportunity to wear French cuffs/links - even if it's only once a year - on New Year's Eve, or bringing Mom to church at St. Mark's.
Cosmopolitan Magazine: NASCAR Race Car Ride AlexTangoFuego: Argentine Tango Lessons
Sidenote: If your guy is into NASCAR, he ain't a "real" man. Dump him. Now. Tango gives him that same counterclockwise ronda, only navigating as slowly as humanly possible through the crowd, and much, much more manly.
Cosmopolitan Magazine: DVD "Get Him to the Greek" AlexTangoFuego: DVD "Baraka"
Sidenote: What the fuck?
Cosmopolitan Magazine: Piece of Ireland [$49.99] AlexTangoFuego: Photography Book of Ireland, or Greece, or Italy or...
Cosmopolitan Magazine: Beatles Album Cover Coasters AlexTangoFuego: Beatles Book or actual CD or iTunes Gift
Sidenote: Again, what the fuck? Coasters? What kind of man wants Beatles coasters? If you really want to get him some coasters, make them yourself, like Martha Stewart would. Find a local steel supply house or fabrication shop, ask them to cut you some 1/4" steel plate into 3-1/2" squares and grind them smooth. Then go to Tandy leather and buy some heavy suede leather. Glue that to one side (the bottom) of the steel plates, and trim and file it smooth. With foot file. Or, go to your local blacksmith, he or she will do it up right - handforged, with hammer marks and patina and bluing. Ah, and a sprayed on clearcoat, or dark natural waxed finish (car wax will do).
Those will be coasters worthy of a man.
Cosmopolitan Magazine: Apple Remote AlexTangoFuego: Apple Shuffle (if they still make it) Or, even cooler, an Apple Airport Express (even if he has a PC). It will allow wireless streaming of music from PC or MacBook to stereo or boom box. Very cool.
Sidenote: Now he won't have any excuses not to get out there and jog and/or ride the mountain bike. Music = movement.
Cosmopolitan Magazine: Fake Parking Tickets (to hand out to enemies???) AlexTangoFuego: Louise Hay daily affirmation cards in a box - just get the most manly ones you can find. I have these, they were my second ex-wife's, but she left them with me.
Sidenote: Gentlemen don't have enemies, they have friends. And if he's into giving out fake parking tickets, he needs the daily affirmations. Badly.
Cosmopolitan Magazine: Chocri Chocolate AlexTangoFuego: Any kind of gourmet dark chocolate - check Whole Foods. If all you have is a Piggly Wiggly, a plain 'ol Hershey Bar will do.
Sidenote: This Chocri shit looks like...like...well...shit.
Cosmopolitan Magazine: Grooming Kit AlexTangoFuego: A straight razor and a strop and a cool brush/cake/cup. Or a vintage Gillette Safety Razor (like our Dads used) with the double edged blades.
Sidenote: We don't do "kits". Unless it's a set of Klein screwdrivers or a couple of 18 volt driver/drills in a box with extra batteries.
Cosmopolitan Magazine: Corporate Flashcards AlexTangoFuego: Dominoes (the little rectangular things with dots on them)
Sidenote: My dad played dominoes, and I still look forward to learning and playing on a little flimsy card table with a group of like-minded men. Human interaction, male bonding, exercising your brain - always wins out over any kind of corporate mumbo-jumbo malarkey BS.
Cosmopolitan Magazine: Mini Air Hockey Table [$22] AlexTangoFuego: Tickets to an actual hockey game.
Sidenote: Even if he's not into hockey, this will be fun as shit, trust me. (Fun as shit is a good thing.)
Cosmopolitan Magazine: DVD Trilogy/Set (aka "Kit") "Back to the Future" AlexTangoFuego: DVD Set (okay, a "Kit") "John Adams The Miniseries" or at least the unrated version of "The Hangover" or if you're into trilogies - box set of "The Lord of the Rings". The book/s. Okay, I guess the film would be okay.
Sidenote: You've got to be fucking kidding me...!? Maybe he'll find a role model in John Adams or Thomas Jefferson.
Hard to argue with. This is a good cause. But don't git'cher little feelings hurt if he never wears them and gives them to GoodWill.
Cosmopolitan Magazine: Binoculars from REI AlexTangoFuego: Binoculars from REI, and a bird identification book.
Again, hard to argue with, and get him an REI membership, too, while your at it. And don't get pissy if you catch him scoping out the babes on the other side at the ice hockey game when you come back from the bathroom. Go easy on him, he's only looking, not touching. He's there with you, and going home with you, and waking up with you, right? Right.
That's the end of my alternate selections for your consideration. The Cosmo thing made me wonder who wrote that piece up, and who on the editorial staff approved it. They must/might have early 20 something bimbettes running their Facebook presence. It sounded like shit that the girls working at McDonald's and Wendy's would talk about on their breaks. "I'm getting my Johnny a mini-air hockey game for Christmas! Maybe he'll ask me to marry him!"
Beam me the fuck up, Scotty.
AlexTangoFuego Exclusives:
Random other stuff I thought up and/or saw sitting around my office...
Telescope - a good one - for y'all to ponder the Universe together on cold starlit nights. And to look at the lunar eclipse tonight on the Winter Solstice - oops! Too late!
Anvil - Peddinghaus drop forged, #12, 275 pounds. But, ladies, be damned sure there's some blacksmith in him first. This is just the beginning of a substantial investment of time and money. You won't see much of him for long stretches of time, but he'll make you a one-of-a-kind-in-the-universe pot rack or blow dryer hook or lipstick storage thingamajigger.
Journal - leather bound. For him to express his inner-most desires and feelings. Think Hemingway or Jack Kerouac.
Books - photography, of the coffee table variety; poetry, of the Neruda or Robert Service variety; classics of the Iliad & The Odyssey variety.
Longneck zip-up coozies - practical stocking stuffers - for long days in the forge learning how to use that anvil, or at least with his feet propped up on it writing in the leather journal. With a six-pack of Miller High-Life, The Champagne of Beers, long necks.
On the beer subject, a cast, handpainted nekkid lady church key. It doesn't work, e.g. it won't actually open a beer bottle, but I like it. It's hanging in a tree next to the BBQ grill.
Ah! SSTL BBQ grill. Nice-ish ones have come down hugely in price over the past few years. The less expensive ones are not 100% stainless steel [sstl] and lighter gauge, but more than adequate. Like $299-ish. Or something along those lines. Check Home Depot or Lowe's although I loathe those joints - you can't beat the pricing.
Wall calendar - not puppies, but maybe horses or Ansel Adams photography or Sierra Club wilderness ones. Y'all don't like 'em cluttering up the walls, but we do like 'em. They have replaced our adolescent posters of Farrah Fawcett's nips on the back of our bedroom door, only now we're more sophisticated, and the FF image is permanently burned into the solid state random access memory banks. (Every American man who just read that, now has pulled the image up in his mind's eye...I guarantee it...but I digress....)
Letter opener - not just any 'ol letter opener. One like this. Good luck finding it. If you get him the anvil, then he can make one like it.
A hammer - here are my favorites. Estwing straight/ripping claw. 28 ounce. Smooth face. Klein screw drivers. Milwaukee or Makita or Hitachi or DeWalt or Bosch power tools. No Black and Decker or other handyhomeowner brands. Good tools cost a lot, but last forever.
Tango Music - Guardia Vieja/Golden Age preferably. Hard to find though. This would have to be the subject of another post. Here is some Canaro on Amazon - Poema is a good one.
Wine - Far Niente, Cabernet. Or MacMurray Ranch Pinot Noir. Good stuff either way. Far Niente is my dead cousin's winery in Napa, or Oak Hill.
The common themes - humility, strength, honor, wisdom, intellect, creativity - iron, leather, stone, fire, heft, tactile, long-lasting, earthy, awe-inspiring - something he can pass on to the kids and then the grandkids. Something he will cherish and use for years and years - something beyond just the material aspect of it. Something with some soul and energy in it, ideally.
Hope this helps in some way/shape/form. I'm cutting myself off. I was about to start preaching. Instead, I'll leave you with this, something I found somewhere and wrote on the first page of that journal...
For some reason, I was thinking of these words today, racking my brain trying to remember them, and their meaning.
Proprioception (pronounced /ˌproʊpri.ɵˈsɛpʃən/ PRO-pree-o-SEP-shən), from Latin proprius, meaning "one's own" and perception) is the sense of the relative position of neighbouring parts of the body. Unlike the six exteroceptive senses (sight, taste, smell, touch, hearing, and balance) by which we perceive the outside world, and interoceptive senses, by which we perceive the pain and movement of internal organs, proprioception is a third distinct sensory modality that provides feedback solely on the status of the body internally. It is the sense that indicates whether the body is moving with required effort, as well as where the various parts of the body are located in relation to each other.
The word proprioception can apparently be used interchangeably with kinesthesia.
Aliaception is a recently born protologism, thanks to Bryan de Valdivia over the pond in Bonn, Germany. He defines it as "The [sense or perception or] knowledge of another person's body (tension, [relaxation], positioning, and quality [and character] of movement [through time and space]) via one's sense of touch [or extremely close proximity]."
[the wording in brackets are my additions]
Anyway, I was able to remember them eventually, which is a good sign, especially after finishing the final coat on the deck and inhaling VOC's for eight hours. No tellin' how many brain cells I killed with that swift move. These are big and important words in tango. We should all know them and use them and bandy them about and try to make our bodies and brains actually do the shit that these big important tango words mean. Scientific shit that goes on when we are dancing tango and we don't even know it - we aren't even aware of it - a "rock of eye" or "Blink (the book)" sorta thing. Kindasorta. Same thing only different. Whatever.
Basically I just wanted to stick these words in the blog so I don't forget again and have to search around for them in the future.
My apologies if I got you all fluffed up over something profound, and then it turned out to be something to file under "stupid stuff".
I unsubscribed to the Tango-L daily digests a while back, but this morning, I figger'd I'd check the archives and see what was going on.
The original poster of the message "Nuevo Milonguero" feared his posting of the video was tantamount to treason, and went on to express his fear that what is shown on the video would spread like wildfire to the far corners of the world. I'm paraphrasing and embellishing a bit here - for dramatic effect.
First, the video is from a 2006 Seattle workshop with Susanna Miller and Maria Plazaola. So it's nothing new. They are doing what appears to be a didactic demo at the end of a class. A vals class I suppose. Again, nothing new.
I can only guess that what he might be talking about is the switch-up of lead roles during the dance between the two women. Or perhaps same sex dancing? Can two women dance milonguero style? Sure. Can two women interchange the lead during one dance - assuming they both enjoy leading and are good leaders? Sure.
So, from the self-appointed/anointed arbiter of all things milonguero, it looks pretty milonguero to me. I'm not concerned about some new "nuevo milonguero" movement or influence bubbling up somewhere on the planet. El Tango es El Tango. Milonguero es Milonguero. Nuevo es Nuevo. They are different animals. There is no mistaking them.
Admittedly, this is a weak post, but I thought I'd throw it out there.
A couple of final notes on the video: I don't care for the rotational, up-and-down movement of the leaders' hands at times - not-so-milonguero if you ask me.
Also, the demo doesn't feel very "vals-y" to me. It's not the vals I aspire to.
It's still nice to watch - and it would make me happy to see this danced on the pista in my community.
I needed a long USB printer cable so I went to Office Depot. $39.99. Outrageous. So then I went to Target. No way in hell they had any kind of cables there. So then I went to Wal-Mart. $19.99. That's more like it. So I saved $20 bucks.
But I felt guilty. I am a blasphemer, a hypocrite. To make matters worse, it wasn't just any Wal-Mart. It was a Super Wal-Mart. 14 acres of trinkets. Actually, I exaggerate. It's actually about 3.67 acres - 160,000 square feet of trinkets. Eight hundred and ninety three cars in the parking lot. I counted them. One hundred and eight cars trying leave through the one exit at the same time.
Try as I might to make it a surgical shopping strike, a search and destroy mission, in and out, quick and dirty, they forced me to walk by the flat plasma & liquid crystal diode TV's or whatever you call them. You can get a 42" 1080p for $998 now. I was like a one-eyed dog in a smokehouse eyeballin' those things.
Then, as if to grind salt into the fresh wounds, they made me buy some "Limited Edition" cookies. Pepperidge Farm Milanos "drenched" in Dark Chocolate.
This is a video of physical and emotional child abuse of the most heinous and egregious variety - making children dance ballroom tango...my buddy Rigoberto sent this to me...credit to him for finding it...he is a man of honor...always looking out for injustice in the tango world...
P.S. This is a joke. They are actually kinda cute.
This shit chaps my ass..."not" online dating? Then what the fuck is it? If you meet someone through a website, even when/if you eventually meet them in person, then it IS, MOST DEFINITELY, on line fucking dating. Dating, that is, not fucking. I meant to say "fucking dating", not "dating and fucking". What are these assholes thinking? It's probably some dickweed 19 year old geek/putz who started an internet dating website with daddy's money. Now he's making $8 million a year. Okay, maybe not $8 million a year, probably more like $50k a month.
And then the other one..."over 40 and still single?" Inferred: "what's your fucking problem, dude?" "Click here and see if you can find a 20 year old nymphette (like one pictured) who will date you...but let's see your money first..."
If you are easily offended by rough roof sex...then don't watch this...especially in front of your kids...turn the volume down...
I found this to be hilarious...as much as the sex scene in the stop motion superhero animated film...I forget the title....oh yeah....Team America/World Police...
MtnHighMama made a post about leaders not emptying their pockets before dancing. I left a comment that this seemed to be common sense to me from day one.
But, I guess we guys are clueless sometimes, so I will be the first to fess up about what I do and don't do when I'm going to dance. Personal hygiene and non-dance related stuff. This is all primarily pre-milonga...but sometimes it applies to classes and practicas, too.
DO ::
Shower before every event...milongas, classes, practicas...shampoo and deodorant soap...
Antiperspirant/deodorant...
Tiny, tiny spray of cologne...I wear Gucci...I know, I know, we are not supposed to wear it, but Gucci is very subtle and I have not gotten any complaints...the key is a tiny amount...I spray it dead center of my throat between my collar bones...none of this aftershave applied with the hands bullshit...I don't want to smell some other dude's aftershave on my hand if we shake hands...and you shouldn't be able to smell it from 15 ft away...this goes for women too...
Brush teeth and floss...I carry Scope mint flavor mouthwash in case I eat something...
Eclipse sugar free mints....the best...
"Turbo" groomer for the nose and ear hair...I'm tall, so I don't want a woman looking up and seeing anything scary...I have like two little blonde hairs in each ear and sometimes they get kinda long...
Trim the eyebrows...
Trim & file my nails...and I've also resorted to using a foot/callus file to smooth out the calluses on the sides of my fingernails...from working with my hands...I want them to feel smooth...and especially my right hand...I don't want to snag my rough skin on her dress or top...especially on her smooth, soft, supple skin...
Close, close shave...I use a four bladed razor and pull my skin tight to ensure that it is smooth, smooth, smooth...always for milongas...not so critical before a class or a practica...I grow a beard like an American Indian, so I can get it pretty smooth...some guys I know just can't "hack" it...pun intended...they get a five o'clock shadow at noon...
Lotion on the hands and elbows, especially if I'm wearing a short sleeve shirt...my elbows can get kinda crusty...gross, I know...
Extra black t-shirt...plus sometimes an extra dress shirt...
On shirts, I've gotten to be sensitive about the collared shirts I wear, as sometimes they can stick out into the woman's face...if it's a problem, I turn the collar inside, usually just on the right side...
Bandana to wipe the sweat...now I'm bringing a hand towel as well...I keep it tucked in my shoe bag and try to be discreet about it...
Empty my pockets...I have a keypad entry on my vehicle, so I typically leave my keys and wallet in the car...
Wine opener and vino tinto...
Condoms...(No, just kidding...I must say I have never carried a condom in my life...)
I always bring my laptop and come prepared to DJ in an emergency...hey, ya never know...
Cash...
DON'T ::
Dont' eat heavily before...or eat pungent foods with lots of garlic or onions or spices...I try to eat foods that I won't be burping up little flavored clouds of breath...I know, gross...
No banana (or anything else) in your pocket...perhaps a bandana, but not a banana...
Don't wear aftershave...spring for some cologne - at least $50 for a bottle - the good stuff...and bring a woman with you to help pick it out...the spray kind...so you don't get it all over your hands...
Don't allow your nose hair/ear hair/eyebrows to be bristling like some alien creature...you young bucks don't have to worry about this yet...about 10 years ago, my daughter (with my ex's help, I'm sure) bought me a Sharper Image Turbo groomer....it was amazing the first time I used it...I could breathe again...
Don't wear glasses....contacts if you can't see without them...
No fucking fedora...your pencil neck might get broken in the process of me ripping it off of your head in the men's room...
Do not drive an RV to a milonga in order to offer on-site "sexual healing" work to followers...apres milonga...(true story....)
Don't make rude or insultory remarks, or bandy about overt sexual innuendo to your followers...be a gentleman in other words...
What else? Let me know if I am missing any Do's or Dont's...
What can I say...I was a Boy Scout...our motto was "Be Prepared..."
I was going to leave this as a comment somewhere...another tango blog...but I thought better of it...I though it would sound too crass...
You can try to figure out where...
I'm sorry, but you attended four tango festivals in the span from April 20 to July 4 (two months and fourteen days - mas o menos). That would hardly constitute "not dancing much tango" in my book. I don't want to sound crass, but are we supposed to feel sorry for you?
I've only danced once or twice since last Thanksgiving, and before that, it was the Denver Memorial Day Fest (2007) - one milonga only.
Some of us are really not dancing much tango.
Feel sorry for me.
How about a date for poor lil' 'ol me? Your potential future-ex ex-tango dancing ex-lover...?
(grin)
OOPS! I forgot, I did dance a lot at the Atlanta Tango Fest, back at the beginning of April, so it's been about 3-1/2 months for me...sin tango...but a very sparse tango year for me...okay, yeah, I did the Gustavo y Giselle Atlanta workshop in July of 2007...two or three milongas...okay...kinda sorta sparse in the tango department...
From Johanna...and it pretty much nailed me right on the head...like a pile driver...except the part about me being egocentric...I find that offensive...(grin)
Alex.Tango.Fuego took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!
"Urgently in need of rest, relaxation, peace, and a..."
17 hits so far today...it's interesting to me that on weekends, especially Sundays, most hits are from outside of the U.S. 1 Spain Barcelona, Cataluna 2 Portugal Porto 3 United States Clermont, Florida 4 Portugal Lisbon, Lisboa 5 United Kingdom Edinburgh, Edinburgh, City of 6 Egypt 7 France Paris, Ile-de-France 8 Italy Alzano Lombardo, Lombardia 9 United States Kent, Washington 10 Qatar Doha, Ad Dawhah 11 Turkey Istanbul 12 Canada Toronto, Ontario 13 United States Denton, Texas 14 United States Fayetteville, Georgia 15 Canada Calgary, Alberta 16 Brazil Belo Horizonte, Minas Gerais 17 United States Katy, Texas
Have you ever stepped in dogshit whilst barefoot? I did, once, a long time ago. I remember it vividly. I won't go into the details, but there is just something about the absolutely yucky feeling of the big, fresh, steaming pile squishing up, warmly between my toes, and the instantaneous realization of what has just occurred. As I recall, I let out a guttural verbal utterance expressing the grossness that I was feeling. Something like "guueeaahh".
And what, pray tell, reminded me of this? Well, I was just watching this music video from TED and the song/singer reached a certain point and the "guueeaahh" guttural verbal utterance expressing the grossness of what I was hearing spontaneously/involuntarily issued from my gut/vocal areas. I mouse clicked that fucker closed before you could say "eeewww".
Here ya go - like I said, I'm sorry in advance. TED should stick to profound intellectual bullshit and stay away from music. Keep your hand on your mouse and/or your finger on your mute button in case you decide to watch.
I did a search on YouTube using this text string - "Biagi Picante". This was one of the videos that came up for whatever reason.
At first I thought it was kinda cute and endearing, watching this woman taking a pole dancing lesson from an amazon blonde Scandanavian babe (as best I can tell from the language they are speaking)...the little one has enough trouble just mounting the pole...then the amazon appears to pull her legs apart a bit...then watch what happens...
Here's an article about a dude who got himself "et" by a mountain lion...false teeth on the counter and water still running in the sink...http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25354688/
If you see a mountain lion, you are probably about to be eaten...they stalk and hide so you never really see them until it's too late...
If the hair on the back of your neck stands up...this is a primordial instinct from caveman/sabertooth tiger days...trust it...you are about to be eaten...
Do not run under any circumstances...this is what prey does...this will confirm to the beast that you are prey...you will be eaten if you run...
Stand your ground...wave your hands at your sides and over your head to make yourself appear larger...yell loudly...or scream like a small child...
Look for sticks or large branches or rocks to use as weapons...throw the rocks and sticks...use a large branch like a baseball bat...grasp larger rocks with both hands and use it in a "bashing" fashion...preferably right between the eyes of the beast...
If there are no branches laying around, your adrenaline rush will allow you to rip and rend live trees from the ground...and you will probably scare the shit out of the beast in the process....best to do this while yelling or screaming like a small child for maximum effect...
If there are no rocks or branches in your immediate proximity, shove your fist down the beast's throat and/or try to grab its tongue with all your might and pull the tongue out of it's head...an 86 year old ex-marine actually survived an attack and killed the damn thing by pulling its tongue out of it's head...onetoughsonofabitch...
In general, fight for your life...most documented cases of people fending off attacks are when they fight back viciously...
P.S. This is likely to be one of the unforeseen side effects of the current mortgage crisis...more people in foreclosure...more people homeless...living in an RV...or a "VAN, down by the river"...thereby exposing themselves to attacks by mountain lions...I wonder what Darwin would think...
